A Metal Solution To The Economic Problem

During my recent hiatus from the website, I was forced to undergo an arduous process of introspective soul-searching, a quest for my inner Metal-God if you will. My mind had become weak; clouded by false thoughts and desires. I found myself seeking out pleasures of the flesh, and even considered pretending to like Disturbed in order to get it. It was surely a miracle that prevented me from slipping into falseness and allowed me to see the disgusting creature I had become.

My pride in tatters, I resolved to do the only thing possible to gain True Metal Redemption after such a fall from grace.

I climbed to the top of a sheer cliff overlooking the ocean; I ripped off my shirt, exposing my glistening chest to the howling Antarctic winds blowing from the South, and entered into a state of deep meditation. I was not to move from that spot until I had gained enlightenment and redeemed myself in the eyes of the Gods.

Around my 112^th hour on top that cliff without food or water, I felt close to losing consciousness, my strength all but dissipated. Suddenly, with a mighty crack of thunder, I beheld the majestic figure of Thor himself. He told me that it was no accident that had brought me to the top of that cliff; it was Divine Intervention by the Gods. They had seen the growing falseness of Man and had chosen to bestow upon me one of their greatest secrets so I may share it with the human race and save you all from the most horrible fate imaginable. False Metal Damnation.

The secret that he shared with me was this: The Norse way of life, how their Godly society functioned on a day to day basis. When not slaying Ice Giants on the battlefield, the Norse Gods still needed an economic system to keep their society functioning; that exact economic system is what I was shown. After thorough examination, I have managed to deconstruct the Norse economic system and apply it to modern society in a simple 4 point school of economic thought that I call Paganomics.

What I shall now attempt to do is give you a brief run through of each of the 4 “Alters” of Paganomics and hopefully teach you how to keep your funds as KVT as possible.

My Theory is very complex

The 4 Alters of Paganomics:

1. Reduce growth of and possible sources of income- It should be fairly obvious to all of you that if you have lots of money you’re probably a sellout, a corporate stooge with the clammy hand of good business firmly lodged up your backside. It goes without saying then, that any self respecting Metalhead needs to go about their day with a little income as possible sitting in their pockets. “How do I go about achieving this?” I hear you ask. Well, that’s really quite simple; you just need to do a shit job with everything you do. Show up late, be inefficient, unproductive; anything that is going to reduce your career prospects and any chance you have of getting a raise. Don’t get fired though, let’s face it, you need to get money for gigs somewhere, just put in enough effort to keep your lazy ass out of the welfare office.

This graph represents the amount of time you should spend working, the right is actually working, the rest represent various places to scratch yourself

2.Reduce expenditures on all non-metal necessities- You’re supposed to be a Metal Warrior right? You don’t need to waste your hardly earned moolah on frivolous crap like transport and accommodation. Owning a car that works is practically advertising the fact that you’re a poseur that can’t get by without being chauffeured around in the kind of luxury wheels that your upper-middle class parents can afford. Don’t even get me started on living conditions. Why waste money on useless furniture when you can crush up your garbage in a garbage bag and make yourself an instant beanbag. In fact, even forget about paying your bills. Who the hell needs electric lighting anyway? Candles are much more Necro. Food is probably just as important, everyone knows that the only substances that should enter a Metalheads body is Meat and Beer. You don’t to be a bloody culinary mastermind to get by on Hamburgers and 6 Packs; it’s a completely balanced diet. There’s hops and shit in beer so you even have vegetable intake sorted out. You can even use the moistened napkins you get in any fast food meal to rub yourself down. Boom, you just halved your water expenses.

3. Limit expenditures on Metal luxuries to a minimum- Even within the Metal spectrum, there’s no room to throw your money around. Remember, you’re trying to look like a True Metal Warrior, not some bozo who doesn’t know how to control their wallet. Oh, is that a signed gold record you have there? Hey, I saw a really great Prada Handbag that would go with that so well, you bourgeois turd. Yeah, that Vintage shirt of Iron Maiden’s World Slavery Tour totally convinces me you were there. You must have had a good view from inside your mother’s womb. Even things like CD’s are a waste of money when you can procure the music through... erm... other means.

4. Cease all expenditures on others- This is the single most important point. You are an Elitist. You are a selfish prick that is better than everyone else. Why in flaming hell would you ever, EVER, put a single cent towards the benefit of others? The very idea of it is sickening. Is it your partner’s birthday? Don’t buy them a present, why the hell should you be rewarding them for not dying for a year? If anything, you should take something of theirs, to remind them that life is tough. Terminal family member eating up your funds on life support? Do as Chuck Schuldiner did and Pull the plug.

On that note, I think I'll wrap things up. I'm gonna go invest all my stocks in Metallica Monopoly.

Mattasacre