A while ago I got a strange phone call where a person was making a list of all the bands I personally think suck the pope's anal beads. I thought nothing of it, until days later I came across this poster. Apparently they were putting together a festival of the worst music ever written, and wanted my expert opinion.
It's like they took rock radio's entire playlist and included Asking Alexandria just to add insult to injury. Limp Bizkit? Staind? Buckcherry? Puddle of Mudd? Papa Roach? Do people actually still listen to these bands today and don't feel humiliated about liking them 10+ years ago when they were actually musically relevant? I like how Five Finger Death Punch gets top billing as well, considering they are inarguably a modern day carbon copy of all the butt rock bullshit bands featured at this fucking show. I'm sure the parking lot will be full of pickup trucks, and the crowd will be a bunch of awkward 30-somethings wearing sunglasses, Orange County Chopper Shirts you can't even find anymore, and American Flag/Confederate Flag/Skull bandannas. They'll probably be smoking Mavericks. Your cigarettes taste like fucking raisins, and your taste in music is even worse. That's just one type of creature that finds this music palpable, mind you. Let's not forget autistic fat kids that wear circle-framed glasses and relate to the lyrics of Breaking Benjamin, and blonde, lip-glossed, drunken cougars showing off their leathery-skinned cleavage in shirts nowhere near appropriate for their age.
I would love to go this show just to see how many stupid people you can actually fit in one place. More bands to be announced? Oh that's good. I wonder where Korn and Crazy Train were in all of this.
I saw Limp Bizkit and automatically started laughing.
ReplyDeleteIn their defense, it does say "Rock Festival". With a bill that straightforward you can't really get mad. It's not like 3 Inches of Blood is opening.
ReplyDeleteI was sold at "suck the pope's anal beads".
ReplyDeleteI still say that the name Epicenter for this tour is cryptic code for please lord let an earthquake hit here.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to figure out what other bands would fit this bill but I can't remember shitty music from that long ago.
ReplyDeleteWait....I got it...
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPar2KARcOk
It's genius! They're all gathering in one place! They're make it too easy.
ReplyDeleteSomeone should go and try and count the amount of Affliction, Tapout and Ed Hardy shirts they see.
ReplyDeleteOh, and apparently Five Finger Cock Munch got their new bassist. I wonder if he's under six foot, has a 'hard rock look' with bass playing ability optional.
ReplyDeleteWhat a bunhc of fuckin' tools they are.
ROFLcopter, photoshop? Shit venue as well, wow this epic fail tour is too bad to be true. I remember one person who liked FFDP, they thought they were the coolest person on earth too.
ReplyDeleteAre you people studid?
ReplyDeleteThe government set up this genius plan. This is an OBVIOUS invitation to all butthurt metaheads to steal a plane and bomb the fucking building.
Well, that too would be an epicenter, Headbanger. It's going to be loaded with blonde highlighted pucker faced thumb-stickers.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure this is so metalheads can go and get rid of this bands onced and for all.
ReplyDeleteAlso, LB is getting out a new album, I would like to know what you think about it.
This shouldn't exist. The worst part about it is that this is considered rock n' roll
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to go. This looks like the best concert in a long time. As soon as I saw Limp Bizkit I was sold. Oh, and of course the best metal band to come out in a long time, FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYeah this festival has EPIC FAIL written all over it. On the other hand, look what I found on Youtube. . .The worst commercial you will ever see to be associated with rock music ever.
ReplyDeleteThe punch-line is that it's actually a FFDP promo video for one of their albums.
The link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQUk1Bt0pz4
ReplyDeleteHey Breaking Benjamin actually isn't that bad...they are the one modern rock band that when they come on the radio doesn't cause me to drive through the bedrooms of infant children
ReplyDelete@Anonymous If they're not that bad then what kind of bad are they?
ReplyDelete