Originally posted earlier this week, the Angry Black Metal Elitist presents a revised "THAT'S NOT METAL edition of the Kvelertak post which was eventually tweeted by the band to all of Norway's hipster scene. Naturally it managed to pissed everyone in that country off sending floods of hate mail and illegible shit to my inbox. I hope you learn something from this post, because it seems the Norwegians sure as hell didn't. - ABME
So today I take the time to do a quick summary of a band which I am sure you have on constant rotation during the bus ride to school. The band for tonight's elitist rant is none other than Kvelertak; which roughly translated mean "Stranglehold" or "Small-cock Blues". What separates this band from the other shitty black metal bands I discuss here is that the fact they play the infamous "Black 'n Roll" style sound. "Black 'n Roll" for the musically retarded is process of using non-metal riffs, screaming like a retard, and adding blast beats every ten seconds or so just to play it safe.
(Left: I have no idea what I am looking at in this picture. Please email me if you one day figure out the answer.)
Kvelertak take it a step further with what appears to be Nirvana and Foo Fighter worship. I never at one point in my shallow elitist life thought I would use the words Nirvana and Black Metal in the same sentence. However it was inevitable that one day black metal would stoop as low as to mix in the sound of that shitty 90's grunge sound which we all want to forget even existed. Interestingly enough, the hipster scene was in full force at the time of Kvelertak's first full length, and ate Kvelertak's sound up faster than MDMA laced marijuana brownies...
The two were literally made for each other.
(Left: A good example of how not to sell your band's merchandise, even if what your selling isn't worth buying in the first place.)
So Kvelertak go around whoring their radio friendly sound out to scene kids across Europe, eventually landing them a (*gasp*) NORWEGIAN GRAMMY AWARD! It would seem this band had no intention at all to write decent music and instead went straight for the hipster image and record deals; as well as appearing on MTV is several different countries and on the cover of all those shitty UK metal magazines which get all the facts wrong! Their merchandise is equally embarrassing as well, featuring dayglow colors and artwork by "elegant arthouse-core" scene favorites
(Left: When Slipknot headlines in Europe, it is by European Extreme Metal Music Act (EEMMA) that they are not permitted to tour with any band superior in sound to them. With Satyricon filming another music video in Hollywood, Kvelertak seemed like a logical replacement)
So your probably thinking this band could not possibly reek of Hot Topic Hipster dung anymore than they already do, but it gets even worse. Former Nirvana drummer and current Foo Fighters front man Dave Grohl is apparently madly in love with them. So much so that during his Ustream live feeds he is seen proudly holding up their debut CD amongst other shitty bands like Metallica and Govt. Mule. Not shown on the live stream was the rumored instant where Dave is being pulled away by band mates after being caught naked in the corner with the Kvelertak CD which allegedly had a blond wig taped to it.
(Left: Pop music icon and Black Metal expert Dave Grohl explains how Kvelertak sound very similar to the latest Grammy award winning Foo Fighters album which hit stores earlier this year and is available on iTunes as well.)
So Dave eventually hires them to open for Foo Fighters in Norway. Black 'n Roll opening for Foo Fighters... Well this BM Elitist is baffled. I honestly do not know what to say other than I am going to go focus my attention on taking a massive shit right now instead of this.
(Left: I could go on and on with these embarrassing tour fliers, but I think this one sets the record straight.)
Below is great example of shitty bands making shitty music videos provided to you by tonight's atrocity Kvelertak. At the 0:16 mark, you will feel as if you have gone back in time to the year 1992 on the set of MTV's TRL show.
So there you have it. I would like to say I look forward to spreading my blackened choke hold on the musical rejects with the assistance of That's Not Metal. I will be back sometime in the near future to educate you more on the stupid shit you listen to, but are too dumb to know any better not to.