Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Kvelertak: The TNM Edition

Originally posted earlier this week, the Angry Black Metal Elitist presents a revised "THAT'S NOT METAL edition of the Kvelertak post which was eventually tweeted by the band to all of Norway's hipster scene. Naturally it managed to pissed everyone in that country off sending floods of hate mail and illegible shit to my inbox. I hope you learn something from this post, because it seems the Norwegians sure as hell didn't. - ABME


So today I take the time to do a quick summary of a band which I am sure you have on constant rotation during the bus ride to school. The band for tonight's elitist rant is none other than Kvelertak; which roughly translated mean "Stranglehold" or "Small-cock Blues". What separates this band from the other shitty black metal bands I discuss here is that the fact they play the infamous "Black 'n Roll" style sound. "Black 'n Roll" for the musically retarded is process of using non-metal riffs, screaming like a retard, and adding blast beats every ten seconds or so just to play it safe.

(Left: I have no idea what I am looking at in this picture. Please email me if you one day figure out the answer.)

Kvelertak take it a step further with what appears to be Nirvana and Foo Fighter worship. I never at one point in my shallow elitist life thought I would use the words Nirvana and Black Metal in the same sentence. However it was inevitable that one day black metal would stoop as low as to mix in the sound of that shitty 90's grunge sound which we all want to forget even existed. Interestingly enough, the hipster scene was in full force at the time of Kvelertak's first full length, and ate Kvelertak's sound up faster than MDMA laced marijuana brownies...

The two were literally made for each other.

(Left: A good example of how not to sell your band's merchandise, even if what your selling isn't worth buying in the first place.)

So Kvelertak go around whoring their radio friendly sound out to scene kids across Europe, eventually landing them a (*gasp*) NORWEGIAN GRAMMY AWARD! It would seem this band had no intention at all to write decent music and instead went straight for the hipster image and record deals; as well as appearing on MTV is several different countries and on the cover of all those shitty UK metal magazines which get all the facts wrong! Their merchandise is equally embarrassing as well, featuring dayglow colors and artwork by "elegant arthouse-core" scene favorites

(Left: When Slipknot headlines in Europe, it is by European Extreme Metal Music Act (EEMMA) that they are not permitted to tour with any band superior in sound to them. With Satyricon filming another music video in Hollywood, Kvelertak seemed like a logical replacement)

So your probably thinking this band could not possibly reek of Hot Topic Hipster dung anymore than they already do, but it gets even worse. Former Nirvana drummer and current Foo Fighters front man Dave Grohl is apparently madly in love with them. So much so that during his Ustream live feeds he is seen proudly holding up their debut CD amongst other shitty bands like Metallica and Govt. Mule. Not shown on the live stream was the rumored instant where Dave is being pulled away by band mates after being caught naked in the corner with the Kvelertak CD which allegedly had a blond wig taped to it.

(Left: Pop music icon and Black Metal expert Dave Grohl explains how Kvelertak sound very similar to the latest Grammy award winning Foo Fighters album which hit stores earlier this year and is available on iTunes as well.)

So Dave eventually hires them to open for Foo Fighters in Norway. Black 'n Roll opening for Foo Fighters... Well this BM Elitist is baffled. I honestly do not know what to say other than I am going to go focus my attention on taking a massive shit right now instead of this.

(Left: I could go on and on with these embarrassing tour fliers, but I think this one sets the record straight.)

Below is great example of shitty bands making shitty music videos provided to you by tonight's atrocity Kvelertak. At the 0:16 mark, you will feel as if you have gone back in time to the year 1992 on the set of MTV's TRL show.

So there you have it. I would like to say I look forward to spreading my blackened choke hold on the musical rejects with the assistance of That's Not Metal. I will be back sometime in the near future to educate you more on the stupid shit you listen to, but are too dumb to know any better not to.




  1. AnAnonymovsVser6/28/2011 9:18 PM

    Probably the first time I have even slightly disagreed with you.

    I don't avidly listen to Kvelertak as they get really, REALLY old. But I like their whole kind of throw back vibe, and I never thought they sounded like Black Metal at all. Nor have I ever heard a grunge aspect to it.

    I do absolutely abhor their whole fanbase and shitty hot topic worship kind of thing. But couldn't the same thing be said about the Black Dahlia Murder?

  2. If you disagree then that gives me comfort that I am doing my job right.

  3. Happy Open-minded Black Metal Fan6/28/2011 9:39 PM

    Woah these guys rule. I didn't read your post but I listened to the song at the end and man, it kicks ass. Thanks for showing me them! I'm definitely gonna buy their album, merchandise, and attend their shows to support them so that they can continue what they are doing for as long as possible.

    Thanks again!

  4. Summoner of the Old Winds6/28/2011 10:11 PM

    Love it. Nice addition. TNM and ABME working together? In the words of Dio... "LOOK OUT!"

  5. No wonder Dave Grohl likes this, it sounds exactly like Foo Fighters except with terrible screaming and half-assed "black metal" riffs.

  6. I don't see anything black metal in Kvelertak. To me it sounds like an eviler half-assed motorhead riffs witha retard screaming over it.

  7. "Kvelertak take it a step further with what appears to be Nirvana and Foo Fighter worship.

    I never at one point in my shallow elitist life thought I would use the words Nirvana and Black Metal in the same sentence."

    You didn't! Dyslectic retard.

  8. fuck you, you cocksucking fag kvelertak is awesome

  9. I liked that video better when it was called Wake Up Dead

  10. WHAT THE FUCK, that song took a shit in my ears.

  11. I could never figure out what the appeal was with this band. A lot of metal blogs seems to be sucking their balls with a passion, but i just don't feel it.

  12. The problem isn't the band, it's those damn posters. None of those band should be touring together. It doesn't make any damn sense.

  13. The band is so awful, first time i hear it.

  14. kingcarcas13497/02/2011 5:49 AM

    I think the economy is hitting this type of world so they are trying to ....consolidate? Is that the word, something is up because you see this stuff being marketed much more aggressively and it doesn't make any damn sense. Wouldn't someone that would like a butt rock band that looks like hardcores, has emo lyrics and makes music videos in rain wearing too much mascara just download the albums illegally? Or is there more money there than we think....fucking hollywood

    1. TheDutchViking4/09/2012 5:23 AM

      just a quick correction: They don't have emo lyrics. this song is literally about mead, and how odin gave it to them.

  15. So the ~core flew is hitting BM too?
    Well at least its just a trend and hopefully it'll pass...
    (btw I love the amercian hillbilly in the white tank top on the left in the first pictur.... what? he's not american??)

  16. I agree. Kvelertak reek of of the hipster musk and sound almost as bad as Liturgy. The only thing that makes Kvelertak slightly better is that they didn't waste their time writing a long-winded manifesto declaring, in a horribly convoluted way, that they are the best shit on the planet.

  17. That song is atrocious.

    It is indeed Foo Fighters worship. With some pathetic shrieking on top.

    Fucking awful. It makes a lot of sense they tour with such crappy bands.

  18. That band is shit.

  19. Vebjørn ekornrud11/30/2011 4:04 AM

    obviously it's not, got you there in three words. You don't realy listen much other then your goth-piss. You have totally moved away from what's music and you don't listen to Foo Fighters or Kvelertak. You may be listening to their nummber one song for like some few seconds before you get your knife and start cutting again. Saying that Kvelertak and Foo Fighters are the same shit only proves how little you know about the bands.
    Stop analfisting yourself and wake up emofuck!

  20. I'd also like to point out how they totally ripped off Pentagram's logo style, but sadly they have clearly never listened to them.

  21. Waaaaah! Someone likes music that I don't like! Waaaah!

    Remember when metal was the exact opposite of shitty opinion pieces like this?

  22. This style of infantile mockery and turd-flinging directed at a band which does not even claim to make metal music is one of the reasons that so-called elitist metalheads are so reviled and loathed by every other type of music fan. Don't you realize that even the truest of 'true' black metal is just vulgar distortion guitar music? As are all other metal genres? The creator of the best black metal band, Burzum, has come to understand this, and I suspect other originals such as Fenriz know it as well, but unfortunately most childish black metal partisans do not. You should understand that even the best metal is not very high on the totem pole of 'artistically valuable' music. This kind of writing does not make you look like an 'elitist' who is above and outside the undiscriminating tasteless masses, you're just yet another angry dirthead with a repulsive personality. This is not 'elitism', it is banal revenge-of-the-nerds fulmination against beer soaked party music.

    Here's a quote from the intellectual hero of black metal fans, whom they of course do not understand in the least, which they would be wise to heed - "Laughter I have pronounced holy; you higher men, learn to laugh!"

  23. gtfo! you are so niche. how neat!!!!! i am going to take a picture of my mom (who hates this record) shit in my mouth.. lol she doesn't know that i just ate the dog too. the whole bloody thing. it stinks in my house right now. lmfao it's gonna stink in my hole when it i have to take my interior out to the exterior - hubba hubba. i've been eating shit, dog, and clumps of my own hair (/scalp lol!).

    you're all gonna see the lord our savior in a window store for men. a briefcase dropped in coal stuffed tight with gauze.


    -cindy nebraska

  24. I would just like to say to the ABME that Kvelertak last year had a demo with 3 songs and toured around europe with other people doing only 3 fuckin' songs.This year they have 2 videos an album and they are famous...for that you really need some skill and knowledge in this particular field of music but you however are an angry black metal elitist which has the right this is mainstream,hipster,stupid,retarded etc...nobody really actually cares are they hipster,gay or mainstream they are fucking kicking ass and they are a good band no matter how they look like or how they behave they sound good....btw you sound like a typical "black metal rebel against mainstream metal" who hates anything that isn't his field of interest.I am a BM fan for years and still I am not as narrow minded "elitist" as you are.PS you're a fucking idiot and because "you are an elitist".dumbass

    -a smartass that hates "that's not metal" smartasses

  25. and an album* my bad

  26. Oh and btw I won't be visiting this page anymore,it was my first and last time,nor argue because I'm a black metal elitist xDD...fuckin' dumbass

  27. you are funny ... and retarded ... which goes together very neatly ! like all the Kvelertak songs ...stupid but funny ...

  28. lmao, what a pleb
    damn metalheads sure are autistic

  29. Just read this, couldn't help it...
    Someone said that those who don't, instruct others. Damn right! But who said that Kvelertak are 100 percent Black Metal? And who gives a fucking fuck if that's not metal?!?!?
    Go waste your worth-wasting time slandering bands and music styles.
    I trust my own fucking ears. If it sounds good then it is good. Rather be a music elitist than a single-genre elitist. I curse the day I started reading record reviews on the net again, I feel my IQ level dropping below zero and my anger management issues sneaking up on me from the shadows.
    Get rid of that bad humor of yours and get a life man.
    Oh, and a BIG FUCK-YOU to all nationalist/scum of the earth/racist/traitors of the human race Black Metal bands. I shit on your space-consuming grave.
    Anyway... Cheers!


All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.