Cheap Pops

"SUP EVERYONE, WE'RE EMMURE!!"

"Y'ALL READY FOR SOME MOTORHEAD?!"

I don't think you'll find a dumber person than a dumb metalhead. I didn't use to feel this way, but then I started dealing with large groups of you on a daily basis. A lot of you are pretty fucking stupid. This doesn't necessarily apply to all of you, but feel free to search around my site and look at some of the comments if you don't believe how bad it is for most some of you. When retarded hits a metalhead, apparently it hits hard. It almost shocks and definitely embarrasses me that I actually listen to the same type of music as some of you evolutionary failures. I would say something like "you know who you are" but the sad part is you actually don't. That's part of your problem. You don't get it and you never will. The even sadder part is that you will comment on this page enthusiastically agreeing with me in your typical dumb ass way, thinking it doesn't apply to you. Moron...

A successful heavy metal performer, true or false, knows their crowd very well. He knows how to entertain them from the get-go and how to keep them continuously riled up. As stated before, this isn't too difficult if you know what you're doing, because a metal crowd is full of dimwitted chuckle heads who are a buck fifty short of affording a clue. When we become a mob of metal concert attendees, we're no longer a group of semi-bright individuals, but a buzzing hive of mindless foolery. What little intelligence there is to go around becomes unevenly dispersed among the crowd, and becomes increasingly rare altogether the closer you approach the stage. A metal musician, specifically the vocalist, is fully aware of this, and uses it to his or her advantage at every single performance.

So what exactly is a "cheap pop"? Well, for the lack of a better term, I remembered back when I was a much younger asshole, and had a special interest in professional wrestling. In pro wrestling terminology, a "pop" referred to the crowd's reaction. There were a variety of different pops, all of which either resulted in the crowd going berserk with cheers, chanting, or booing. Specifically, a "cheap pop" was a way a pro wrestler could get a guaranteed outburst from the like-minded white trash neanderthals in attendance. For example; greeting the city by name, bringing up the local sports team, mentioning the name of another beloved wrestler, and so on. Likewise, I have seen all of these things done at a concert in the context of a metal band, and with the desired result easily handed to them by a group of eager simpletons. Therefore, I concede that the term "cheap pop" fits the situation nicely, and that these actions by musicians should be regarded for what they truly are: an under-handed way to get people to cheer for your shitty band when you don't really deserve it.

I know who I'm dealing with, so I'll make this easy for you. Picture this: You've traveled many miles to see one of your favorite metal groups perform live, and they are the headlining act. This is good news, because they definitely deserve top billing, but also sort of bad news because you have to wait until the end of the night to finally see them take the stage. It's whatever; you'll grab a beer, watch some of the other acts and just casually enjoy some metal with a lot of other folks who hopefully aren't a bunch of poseurs. (Not likely.) You walk in while the opening act is halfway through their set. The sorta fat lead singer wears a long-sleeve Suffocation shirt (because he thinks it will give him metal street cred), gym shorts, and he's bald with a stupid chin beard. He also has long white socks with black sneakers. Oh man. To add insult to injury, the guitarist is wearing a baseball hat. Clueless. Their generic deathsomething music blares through their sub-standard equipment and it's hard to make out through the garbled mess, but you hardly need confirmation that this sucks. This is something you'll just have wait out with crossed arms of disapproval before the bigger name acts who know how to perform metal music outside of their garage start taking the stage.

Fully realizing that his band blows donkey taint and nobody cares, the lead singer demands to know, in his hoarse, uninspiring death metal gurgle whether or not "you bitches are ready for [insert popular headlining act here]?!" Even though the band deserves much less of a reaction than the polite guy at the bar drunkenly clapping at them, the crowd goes absolutely apeshit. It's like they were just being told for the first time that they're going to see the band they actually paid to watch. Like everyone in attendance just won an all expense paid vacation to the better performance at 11 o'clock. Suddenly, everybody starts moshing to this 'underground-for-good-reason' drivel because they're pumped enough at the idea that the real band will eventually come on stage. How retarded are you people?

I don't know who to be more ashamed with in this situation. It's pretty bad on the performer's side of it, considering you need to ride on another band's coattails just to get a "woo-hoo" from the people standing in front of you. I guess just writing good enough music was never a plausible option? The mere whisper of the band's name that's coming on after you guys gets fifty times the crowd reaction than the blood, sweat and tears you poured into performing the very best music you spent all those sleepless nights writing and practicing. "Pathetic" is hardly a strong enough phrase to explain your limp-dicked tactics as musicians. What are you trying to accomplish anyway? Mentioning the other guys so you can hear the crowd go wild and pretend you're a good band and people like you, if even for a moment? BREAK UP.


An even cheaper pop comes in the form of greeting the city by name. "HELLO DETROIT!" Oh, look you at you, Mr. Rock Star up here. Blow me doing a crab stand. Well apparently everybody here really appreciates that you were able to take the time and make the effort to turn your head towards the outside of the tour bus window, catch a glimpse of what the signs said on your way into our polluted dump of a town, and make a note to tell us about it later. Really, it means so much. So the bearded frontman you idolize just said the name of the city you're standing in right now, and it's enough to make you douchegasm with knuckleheaded delight. Why? Chances are you probably don't even live here, and you drove 50+ miles to see the band perform because nobody's ever heard of the quiet suburban town you live at your mom's house in. I don't know why we award bands so generously with cheers and chanting just because they know how to keep track of their touring schedule.

I don't think there's a lot I can do in regards to the actions of famous metal artists, so I'll turn to you, the metal fan, in the quest for True Metal Redemption. It's now up to you as a concert attendee to call all bands, big or small, on their stupid bullshit. When they pull cheap pops such as these, where they expect you to explode with delight at their very whim, let them know that you know better. Keep your arms crossed boldly, and don't cheer. Give them the crickets treatment hard as nails. If a metal artist says something that is genuinely awesome, or puts on an earth-shattering performance, by all means, go berserk to your heart's delight. Make them work for your acceptance, and grant it only when they deserve it. If there are any active musicians reading this I'll leave you with this: if you can't garner a positive reaction from the crowd by playing awesome music, then get the hell off the stage to make way for the bands that can.

I heard Taco Bell is still taking applications.

- Brenocide \,,/