Friday, June 17, 2011

A Metal Solution To The Economic Problem

During my recent hiatus from the website, I was forced to undergo an arduous process of introspective soul-searching, a quest for my inner Metal-God if you will. My mind had become weak; clouded by false thoughts and desires. I found myself seeking out pleasures of the flesh, and even considered pretending to like Disturbed in order to get it. It was surely a miracle that prevented me from slipping into falseness and allowed me to see the disgusting creature I had become.
My pride in tatters, I resolved to do the only thing possible to gain True Metal Redemption after such a fall from grace.
I climbed to the top of a sheer cliff overlooking the ocean; I ripped off my shirt, exposing my glistening chest to the howling Antarctic winds blowing from the South, and entered into a state of deep meditation. I was not to move from that spot until I had gained enlightenment and redeemed myself in the eyes of the Gods.
Around my 112th hour on top that cliff without food or water, I felt close to losing consciousness, my strength all but dissipated. Suddenly, with a mighty crack of thunder, I beheld the majestic figure of Thor himself. He told me that it was no accident that had brought me to the top of that cliff; it was Divine Intervention by the Gods. They had seen the growing falseness of Man and had chosen to bestow upon me one of their greatest secrets so I may share it with the human race and save you all from the most horrible fate imaginable. False Metal Damnation.
The secret that he shared with me was this: The Norse way of life, how their Godly society functioned on a day to day basis. When not slaying Ice Giants on the battlefield, the Norse Gods still needed an economic system to keep their society functioning; that exact economic system is what I was shown. After thorough examination, I have managed to deconstruct the Norse economic system and apply it to modern society in a simple 4 point school of economic thought that I call Paganomics.
What I shall now attempt to do is give you a brief run through of each of the 4 “Alters” of Paganomics and hopefully teach you how to keep your funds as KVT as possible.


My Theory is very complex


The 4 Alters of Paganomics:
1. Reduce growth of and possible sources of income- It should be fairly obvious to all of you that if you have lots of money you’re probably a sellout, a corporate stooge with the clammy hand of good business firmly lodged up your backside. It goes without saying then, that any self respecting Metalhead needs to go about their day with a little income as possible sitting in their pockets. “How do I go about achieving this?” I hear you ask. Well, that’s really quite simple; you just need to do a shit job with everything you do. Show up late, be inefficient, unproductive; anything that is going to reduce your career prospects and any chance you have of getting a raise. Don’t get fired though, let’s face it, you need to get money for gigs somewhere, just put in enough effort to keep your lazy ass out of the welfare office.

This graph represents the amount of time you should spend working, the right is actually working, the rest represent various places to scratch yourself
2.Reduce expenditures on all non-metal necessities- You’re supposed to be a Metal Warrior right? You don’t need to waste your hardly earned moolah on frivolous crap like transport and accommodation. Owning a car that works is practically advertising the fact that you’re a poseur that can’t get by without being chauffeured around in the kind of luxury wheels that your upper-middle class parents can afford. Don’t even get me started on living conditions. Why waste money on useless furniture when you can crush up your garbage in a garbage bag and make yourself an instant beanbag. In fact, even forget about paying your bills. Who the hell needs electric lighting anyway? Candles are much more Necro. Food is probably just as important, everyone knows that the only substances that should enter a Metalheads body is Meat and Beer. You don’t to be a bloody culinary mastermind to get by on Hamburgers and 6 Packs; it’s a completely balanced diet. There’s hops and shit in beer so you even have vegetable intake sorted out. You can even use the moistened napkins you get in any fast food meal to rub yourself down. Boom, you just halved your water expenses.
3. Limit expenditures on Metal luxuries to a minimum- Even within the Metal spectrum, there’s no room to throw your money around. Remember, you’re trying to look like a True Metal Warrior, not some bozo who doesn’t know how to control their wallet. Oh, is that a signed gold record you have there? Hey, I saw a really great Prada Handbag that would go with that so well, you bourgeois turd. Yeah, that Vintage shirt of Iron Maiden’s World Slavery Tour totally convinces me you were there. You must have had a good view from inside your mother’s womb. Even things like CD’s are a waste of money when you can procure the music through... erm... other means.
4. Cease all expenditures on others- This is the single most important point. You are an Elitist. You are a selfish prick that is better than everyone else. Why in flaming hell would you ever, EVER, put a single cent towards the benefit of others? The very idea of it is sickening. Is it your partner’s birthday? Don’t buy them a present, why the hell should you be rewarding them for not dying for a year? If anything, you should take something of theirs, to remind them that life is tough. Terminal family member eating up your funds on life support? Do as Chuck Schuldiner did and Pull the plug.
On that note, I think I'll wrap things up. I'm gonna go invest all my stocks in Metallica Monopoly.
Mattasacre

25 comments:

  1. Great post. If only this site was even bigger so more people could adopt this philosophy.

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  2. "I found myself seeking out pleasures of the flesh" - meaning you met some random slut and you became a poseur so you could fuck her.
    "It was surely a miracle that prevented me from slipping into falseness" - meaning she dumped your ass, probably because you were bad in bed after having no experience because you spent all your time headbanging and going to live shows.
    "and even considered pretending to like Disturbed"
    - everyone here is too hard on Disturbed. Yes, they're not metal. Ok, that's pretty obvious. And yes, their newest album Asylum wasn't the best CD in their discography, but they're not "horrible" by any means. I like Disturbed and they're the sore thumb that sticks out in my collection of music, sitting there amongst things like Hypocrisy, Deicide and Amon Amarth. Their older songs and actually really good and if you put your prejudice and bias aside for a second and listen to the god damned music, they're more than just some "nu-metal bullshit". They're not even nu-metal, that's just their newest album. Go listen to Stricken and tell me what's wrong with it.

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  3. Cyanide, you remind me of a kid I used to know called Jerry. He used to love eating Blue Vein Cheese, in fact, he loved it so much that he couldn't fathom the possibility that anyone could ever dislike it and would react violently to anyone that did. I'm still kept up at night by the memory of watching him beat a kid to death with a cheese grater just because he was lactose intolerant.

    I think the point I'm trying to make is that Disturbed are shit.

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  4. Nice job disregarding everything I said just to be a retarded troll. Not liking something doesn't make it shit. Disturbed makes, or at least used to make, good music that I doubt you've ever even heard before because you're too much of a douche to give anything a chance. David Draiman has a good voice, you at least have to admit that much. Doesn't matter whether you like it or not, he's still a good singer and there's MUCH worse music out there. Just looks at that black veil brides shit that just got reviewed. I honestly couldn't tell what gender they were until I heard the singer's voice and I still can't tell for the other "band" members.

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  5. You flatter me Cyanide.

    You also did a pretty good job of disregarding my entire article and latching onto literally one sentence where I only insinuate that I dislike Disturbed. I'm not sure why you felt the need to get so aggressive over an insinuation and write me an essay justifying your love for Disturbed. Are you that insecure about your taste that you feel you have to defend it against anyone who goes against it?

    I don't particularly give a shit about any merit Disturbed have as a band, the fact of the matter is that I simply don't like them. You can either accept that and move on with your life or you can sit there and argue with some stranger on the internet, knowing full well that neither of our opinions are going to change. Your choice mate.

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  6. Cyanide, disturbed is a horrendous piece of shit, because that singer raps

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  7. Not to mention the fact that he sounds like a dying chain smoker.

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  8. European Douchebag6/17/2011 11:20 AM

    @Metalslasher - You're retarded and he's never rapped.
    @Somefag He doesn't sound as good as he used to because he had to have surgery on his throat. "Draiman went through the process of visiting many specialists over the last calendar year before doctors arrived at the conclusion that he would need to undergo septo-plasty to reverse and correct the damage that three broken noses have done to his septum over the last several years. The surgery will enable Draiman to breathe through his nose which takes pressure off of his throat and vocal chords that were becoming dry and irritated."

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  9. Maybe if David Draiman stopped deepthroating his bandmates, surgery wouldn't be so necessary.

    Cyanide, face it, you like a terrible band. I must also point out that you're trying to use the "old stuff" argument about a band that debuted with "Ooooowahahahah," alternately referred to as The Sickness. Don't you dare try and tell anyone that one of the most embarrassingly corny nu metal albums in history was "pretty good music." Oh, and I've heard the whole 10,000 Fists album, and here's what is wrong with Stricken:
    Disturbed wrote it, and they also recorded it. They might even play it live to people who paid to see them because they think it's good (which is incorrect). That's three strikes right off the bat, but I'm sure if you like I can go into further detail.

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  10. disturbed is and always was terrible.

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  11. I think everyone is forgetting the main issue here. Whoever doesn't like Disturbed is gay.

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  12. To be fair they have some cool choruses, but the rapping (which is in every song) sucks dog shit.
    Example: good chorus, horrible everything else
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kR4yGbTSVEY&feature=related
    It shows the wasted potential of being a decent band.

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  13. disturbed are not metal, plain and simple. non-metal opinions do not apply here, move along.

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  14. Nice post. It's funny to see how people missed the point of such a great article to argue about Disturbed. And I'm gonna do just that. Disturbed sucks balls, it surprises me that someone with more than 15 summers gone by could like that.

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  15. lol ur all retarded disturbed is ok buyt not vry gud if u ask my i thnk avenged sevenfold is alot beter they have a beter singer so yeh and also the guitar is lots better but i also like bring me the horizon and bullet for my valntine. but disturbed isn't as bad as u peple say but theyr not that gud ether.

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  16. This is how a metalhead is supposed to live? Anyone who actually lives this way on purpose is a fucking idiot. Not even the guy who posted this actually does this. Leave the blogging to Brenocide bro, this is just fucking dumb.

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  17. Hey, have you guys ever LIBBA-LIBBA LIE LIBBA-LIBBA LIED so hard that you WAWK WAWKed?

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  18. Bren, you're awesome, mattasacre, you're awesome, why is everyone stuck on Disturbed?

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  19. Well Anthraxfan, all Metalheads are deep in poverty. You cannot have one without the other.

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  20. Hey faggot, look at InfidelAmsterdam on youtube. He's obviously a metalhead. He has tons of merch and metal decorations around his apartment, a metal gf and goes to tons of different metal shows and concerts. He's metal and he's definitely not in poverty. If you say he's not metal then you're just an idiot because even Brenocide has featured and/or referenced him on this site multiple times.

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  21. Anthraxfan, you're an idiot. The end.

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  22. Xandemic, just because you're a smelly, poor, lonely dickhead doesn't make me an idiot. It makes you a smelly, poor, lonely, elitist dickhead who has no idea what he's talking about. Get it? Good.

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  23. Anthraxfan, I have a job, a girlfriend, and perfectly good hygiene. These are truths about me that just voided everything you said. Now, when I called you an idiot, your response did nothing at all to prove me wrong. You are a complete and total tool that needs to stop worrying about what a bunch of random assholes on the internet think. Everything on this site seems to have flown right over your 10 gallon hat. You also seem to think that if you were to never come on this site again, that any of us would care. We wouldn't. It would be no real victory to us here, since owning your pathetic arguments is a cakewalk. We would also not miss you at all, because you're no different than any other butthurt little crybaby that tries to come over to OUR blog and make a stink because god forbid some guy you will most likely never ever meet disagrees with your opinion of music or pop culture. Get it? No? Oh well.

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  24. kingcarcas13496/19/2011 3:37 AM

    *facepalm* epic post turns into arguing about disturbed and one guy who doesn't get the joke....
    reminds of the lady gaga thread on metalsucks....

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  25. Once again, someone took this site too seriously.

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.