Review: Sub-Mine - This Won't End Well

You can't tell what it is, so it must be deep.

This Won't End Well, is the first release by Sub-Mine and hopefully the last. A flat and soulless attempt at doom metal. Is there some secret audience I don't know about eating up shitty Bandcamp metal? Because it seems to be everywhere. Back in the 80's this music never would have gotten out of the planning stage before falling flat on it's face, but thanks to the internet it is forever preserved like some kind of monument to what people that love metal but have no business playing it can do. What worries me about this kind of thing is how many mistakes the band had to make to even release this. They, assuming it is a they and not a one man band, had plenty of opportunity to realize the quality of what they were making before putting it online. Not once did they stop and try to change the course of action that led to the abomination which they have unleashed. Typically this kind of garbage is a free download, but Sub-mine feel that their failed attempt at metal is worth more than any other band that has the common sense to give theirs away for free. When I see a free album that claims to be metal I download it without listening and get to it when I have the chance, but at least it gets it's foot in the door for when I have time. When a no-name band with no real information about themselves and, as far as I can tell, no real following who's only coverage is from a record label that has no other releases and even fewer people who care about it than the band themselves, wants to charge me to download their music if I don't want to stream it, the only way they would ever get a listen from me is if I had absolutely nothing better to do. Which is almost never the case. Do yourselves a favor and make the next album free. Maybe more people will give it the time of day.

There is nothing positive here. The guitar is moody but lacks punch or any kind of talent that would make it worthwhile, ditto for bass, the vocals are similar to Theo Loomans of Asphyx but without the anger, and the drumming sounds like it was done using either a program or an electronic drum kit. Both of which are not metal. Want to play real metal? Go find a fat guy who's wearing a Pantera shirt that doesn't fully cover his gut. He's probably a drummer. Ask him to bring his cheap drum kit over to your mom's basement and be in your band. Maybe buy him a cowboy hat. Pantera fans love cowboy hats. I mean, how hard is it really, just to find someone that owns a drum kit to play along with you, the drum lines aren't very challenging anyway. On the other hand, if this is a real drummer using an actual drum kit maybe it's time to find another one.

What is by far the worst thing about this album is that is manages to be boring from beginning to end. Doom metal doesn't have to be boring. Sabbath and Danzig manage not to be. What about this genre so consistently draws people that think slow and boring are synonymous? I don't find myself contemplating suicide when listening to Cathedral, so why can't bands that are new to the genre manage at least that much? You don't need to be as good as Cathedral, just good enough to not make your listener not want to kill themselves rather than finish what you spent so much time making, assuming there is actual thought put into this album and it wasn't rushed out in the course of  a week so that Sub-Mine could have a release to it's name. If the review request you send includes the phrase, "Hopefully it isn't too shitty", then you already knew how shitty it was before you sent it to me. The point of making music is to make something you think is good. If you have doubts right out the gate about whether or not it's going to be worth listening to, then don't release it to begin with. All Sub-mine accomplished with this was a release that gives any listener that wants it, the excuse to never listen to this band again. Even if they manage to release something worthwhile later, the taint of this first offering will forever tarnish their name.

I had to sit through four fillings the other day, and I literally enjoyed that more than repeat listens of this album. At least something positive came out the fillings. If you want to listen to the something less enjoyable than having holes drilled in your teeth you can find it here. I wouldn't.

Sagecutioner