Underoath calls it quits: Doing the world a favor 15 years too late

In a stroke of pure luck, perhaps even a sign of awakening from the metal gods, the Christian rock band Underoath decided to call it quits in 2013. That’s right, 2013 will be free of one less shitty group of jackoff’s.

Apparently, they announced this news to their Twitter and Facebook followers in October. I wouldn’t know because Tyranneous doesn't do Twitter. Also, I don’t give two shits about Underoath anyway and when I don’t hear anything about them I just assume they locked themselves in a monastery somewhere far away.

So let’s read what the band had to say about this glorious announcement, because fairness is what we’re all about, right?

“It’s sad to say that we feel like it’s time to close this chapter, but we have never seen things more clearly,” frontman Spencer Chamberlain said. “We love all of you and hope to see you again soon.”

Spencer Chamberlain telling his fans how much he loves them at some event somewhere.

 “This couldn’t be a more bittersweet moment for us,” keyboardist Chris Dudley said. “We have accomplished more, met more friends, seen more places and have just done more than we could have ever imagined, and we really wanted to just go out on the highest note possible. That’s why we have put together a group of great friends and musicians for what will be our final tour ever.”

Reading this press release from October makes me want to vomit. I wasn’t aware that the business was all about friendship and circle jerks. I also wasn’t aware that friends charged friends for albums and general admission ticket prices. It’s sad for me to say that I can’t make any more jokes at your expense. Wait, I still can? Cool.

They speak of their time in the biz as though they were on a mystical adventure. As though they were on …

Underoath, you're not Bilbo Baggins. It was not some journey or adventure. It was a well calculated career of screaming.

 You see, I didn’t realize that Underoath accomplished anything. Unless they mean they slightly deepened their pockets with their fellow Christian’s hard earned cash and a pedestal from which to preach the word of their god. It sounds like they just kind of forced themselves on us, like good Christians, raping our brains with words and messages that we didn’t want in the first place.

Speaking of rape and Christians, did you know that Chris Dudley is a youth pastor? Me neither until today. But I'm not implying anything. Blame the church for automatically connecting those dots. 

Oh, hey Chris Dudley, it's cool that you help kids and stuff.