Saturday, January 16, 2016

Introducing the Revolutionary A7X DIET

A Little Piece of Heaven for us all!

Having a tough time sticking to that New Years Res? Have you been yo-yoing up and down in the pounds department, just struggling with weight your whole life? Want to get yourself beach-body fit for the upcoming summer months? Well my friends, after hours of scientific research and study, the dietary specialists at are confident we have ultimately found the golden key to weight loss.

This isn't a scam. This isn't a gimmick. This isn't a fad. This diet is founded in hard, real, actual fucking pure liquid science, and was developed by world-renowned dietician, nutritionist, fitness coach, yoga master, mathematician, and space explorer, Dr. Deth Leppard PhD.*

Introducing, the revolutionary, fail-safe, fat-shredding, pound-melting, ultimate super diet, known as the A7X:

They say "he who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man." I guarantee you that if you fully utilize the A7X diet and exercise program properly, you'll be a beast in no time. This diet is such a tried and true method to lasting, quick weight loss, one could say it's Almost Easy. Say goodbye to that spare tire forever. After following the A7X in just a few weeks, you'll be body fat's worst Nightmare. 

So how does it work?
The A7X utilizes modern day internet streaming technology and the basics of human psychology to ensure that you strictly follow a proper diet and exercise routine. The A7X doesn't focus on the details of what you should be eating and what you should be doing. All the other diets you tried and failed dwelled so much on that sort of common-knowledge nutrition and fitness garbage. Eat right, and move a lot. Christ, we get it already. We already know what we're supposed to eat, right? We've been told time and time again: stick to food that's high in nutritional value, low calories, low carb, not processed and organic/locally grown if possible. Fruits, vegetables, nuts, non-processed meats, eggs, dairy, whole grain, etc. Don't buy into that processed junk that sells itself as "low-fat" or "low-calorie" to try and pass itself as healthy. Read the ingredients. If you can't pronounce it, don't eat it. The cleaner and more natural, the better off you'll be. (If you can't pronounce quinoa, that's okay you can still eat it.) We also know what we're NOT supposed to eat: complex sugars, processed junk foods, candy, soda, beer, take out, fast food, white bread, desserts, chips and other "snack foods". 

Yeah, enough already, thanks mom. We already know that the bad stuff is bad for us. However, it doesn't stop you from putting it in your mouth. There's an underlying reason you're a big pile who keeps binge eating the worst possible foods. You're sad, you're lonely, you're depressed, you're apathetic. You eat it because you love the way it makes you feel in the moment and you don't care about what it does to your body. It's all based in psychology. Your brain is what made you fat, so it's what we're gonna focus on to make you fit. We will use the power of psychology against itself to take that pile of clay you call a body and sculpt it into something truly beautiful. 

So how does the A7X actually work? 

"Aversion therapy is a form of psychological treatment in which the patient is exposed to a stimulus while simultaneously being subjected to some form of discomfort. This conditioning is intended to cause the patient to associate the stimulus with unpleasant sensations in order to stop the specific behavior." 
- Wikipedia (reference: Science)

Aversion therapy is still very controversial, and most infamously was a form of treatment to try to "fix" homosexuality before it was outlawed in 2006. But in a nutshell, it is a simple method to get you to associate your unwanted behavior with unpleasant feelings or consequences. The success of the A7X diet is based largely on this concept. We're not going to do something so extreme and awful as tie you to a bed and zap you every time you indulge in a Snickers bar, but if you follow the rules of the A7X diet to a tee, I guarantee you're gonna at least think twice before you pick one up next time you're at the gas station or chug that soda or beer at your bud's next shindig.

So what really is the A7X diet?

One of the most exciting things about the A7X program is that not only is it worth its Critical Acclaim, but its secrets are yours for absolutely free. No subscriptions, no books, no videos, no workout equipment or supplements to buy from us to get this info. Nothing. Dr. Leppard will share his patented weight loss secrets with you at absolutely no obligation or no cost to you.

And he will tell you right now.


Maybe soon.

If you read a little more.

Fitness, carbs, creatine.

Here's a picture of another bicep.

Electrolytes. Hyper tension. Atrophy. Muscle memory. Biomechanics. Power steering.

Seriously, if you don't tell me I'm closing the fucking page.

Okay, okay.

The very best part of the A7X is there are only a few rules to follow. In most other workout routines and diet plans, there's all sorts of information you have to worry about. With the patented, exciting, revolutionary, scientifically proven,

That's it, I'm leaving. 

Fuck you, I don't care, I already got my click from you, poseur. Enjoy your diabetes.

For those of you who truly care about your weight loss enough to make it this far, here is the secret to the patented, exciting, revolutionary, scientifically proven, ultimate, fail-safe, existential, monster, probably high-protein, liquid juice, kale is involved somewhere, penis enlarging A7X diet:

You can eat whatever you want.

*drops weights at news*
That's right! With the way the A7X works, you can eat quite literally whatever the hell you want. Candy, soda, pizza rolls, Pop-Tarts, ramen, bacon, ranch dressing, you name it! So many diets try so hard to break you out of even looking at these things. You deny yourself, you can't take it anymore, you falter, you binge. The A7X diet doesn't want you to stop eating what you want. Go ahead, bring home that Chinese, grab a can of Coke while you're at it. However, the A7X utilizes aversion therapy techniques to go along with every time you eat those salty, fatty, high carb, high sugar foods.

Why am I still here...?

Because you're a glutton for punishment just like you're a glutton for Taco Bell, you fat sweaty sack of turds. Do you want women to find you fuckable? Then keep reading and shut your gaping ever-open fucking vacuumous maw you human rhinoceros so I can save your stupid life. Isn't your health worth 45 minutes of a nice quiet read? What else were you gonna do? Get those buttery hands to crust up another PS4 controller for 7 consecutive hours? Fuck you, you're like a time bomb for colon cancer.

So anyway, here's the trick:

Every time you cheat on your diet. You have to listen to an Avenged Sevenfold song while you eat your cheat.

Simple, right? That's all there is to it. Let's discuss this concept in a real world scenario. You're at your local pharmacy, picking up some necessities and you cave in. You buy that Butterfinger. That's okay, it's not the end of the world. You don't have to make it out to be "falling off the wagon" and give up on your life. Go ahead. Sit in your car, unwrap your candy bar, bring it to your lips...


Before you get to eat it, take out your smart phone. Load your Spotify or YouTube app. Play this song:

Any A7X song is fine, really. Just play the first available Avenged Sevenfold track you can find in its entirety. If you're using Spotify, just go to the Avenged Sevenfold page and put it on shuffle. Play the song throughout the entirety of your candy bar experience. But wait, even if the candy bar is over, you still have to hear out the entire track. You can't just scarf it quick and shut it off so you can be in the clear.

If somehow, your cheat food experience lasts longer than one Avenged Sevenfold song, you have to continue on to the next Avenged Sevenfold song. If you're at a pizza party, put your smartphone on A7X shuffle on Spotify and let it go until you're done eating. Once you're done eating, you still have to finish the song that's currently playing. You have to do this every single time you eat something that isn't good for you.

So there it is. Every time you eat junk food, you will associate the experience with listening to Avenged Sevenfold's music. Kind of takes all the fun out of that ice cream sundae, doesn't it? Since you're here reading this, we can assume you're a smart reasonable person who wants to make positive changes in your life. Therefore, it's reasonable for me to assume that you don't like Avenged Sevenfold. It's just about impossible for me or anyone to imagine a well-rounded, good, honest, intelligent individual who can like their music.

No amount of fat-shaming stopped you from eating all those bad foods. What people said to you in that regard just didn't make you feel bad enough about yourself to make your serious lifestyle change. However, I find it hard to believe that the inevitable taste shaming won't ultimately do the trick for you instead. If you strictly follow the A7X,  imagine you and your friends are out eating at a restaurant. You sit down to eat with them and then you put your music on like you know you're supposed to. Imagine the look on their faces. Imagine what they're going to say to you.

"Wow, do you actually like this band?"
"Oh Christ, do we really have to listen to this here? Or now? Or ever?"
"What happened to you, you used to seem like a good person... Maybe we should see other people."

Still want to sit down with that big double-decker cheeseburger? That's what I thought. Better get the salad and the water with lemon. Unless you want to be fat and friendless and make everyone think you like terrible music.

This isn't to say you can't let your friends in on your diet and how it works. If you tell your usual group about how you they all have to openly listen to Avenged Sevenfold every time you eat something bad for you, guess what? Instant support network. There's no way to lose enablers faster than to punish them along with yourself for not helping you make the right choices! They will either stick around and help or be So Far Away they'll feel like the extra fat you never knew you had to lose!

Bros before Burritos

The A7X is not only genius in its simplicity, but its flexibility!

We can adjust the A7X in intensity to match your needs. Many fitness friends of mine have something they call a "cheat day". They are nutritionally-minded, clean-eating angels all week, until say-- Friday or Saturday -- when they just eat whatever they want, and as much as they want on that one day. While I understand that only one day of bad eating during the week is definitely better than seven, I always thought that a bad cheat day could be all it takes to derail your hard-earned workout results from the rest of the week. So if you're the type to have a cheat day, we're gonna up the ante on the A7X to meet your needs:

Dear God. Imagine the looks you'll get walking around in this bad boy all day. Of course, the main rule of the A7X applies even on cheat day. Every moment you're gonna eat bad stuff, you're gonna listen to bad stuff. And if you're gonna do it all day, you better let people know up front what to expect from you.

You can have your own official cheat days, but on those days, you must openly wear A7X merch for the duration.

Are you really looking forward to chocolate Fridays now? Yeah, maybe not so much. Maybe chocolate Friday is starting to sound pretty lame. Maybe it might be a good idea to cancel it? Congratulations. Your workout results are now yours to keep, Monday through Sunday.

Patent Pending "Wristband of Shame".

So we also know that exercise is important to maintaining a healthy lifestyle. No one wants you to go to the gym everyday -- rest can be just as good for muscle development as the weight training around it -- but let's say you have a fitness routine where you go to the gym for an hour after work or school every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Let's say Wednesday comes, and you had kind of a crappy day. You're not really feeling up to the gym. That's okay! Go home, take a break, no gym tonight for you! But instead of the hour you were gonna be working out, guess what you'll be doing with that hour at home instead?

Aw yeah, son. A nice solid hour of non-stop A7X to enjoy during your break. Guess the gym wasn't such a bad idea after all?

Never skip A7X day.

So there it is. The weight loss technique that hits you right in the true metal so hard that you'll be hitting the treadmill, hitting the weights, taking hikes, and eating clean in order to maintain your perfect musical taste, just like you always have been. Start your A7X journey with us so you can Seize the Day and be on your way to the new you!

With proper utilization, we will be on our way to either a much fitter metal community, or just much fatter Avenged Sevenfold fans.

The A7X method can also be utilized with musical and merch substitutions from groups such as Five Finger Death Punch, Trivium, Bullet for My Valentine, Bring Me The Horizon, Cradle of Filth, Children of Bodom or even Nickelback** for those looking to add more intensity to their workout.

*Deth Leppard is not a certified nutritionist and might have exaggerated his space exploration experience.
**Not medically recommended. 

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