Long Hair Parted from the Side

What band is she in again? 

Does anyone remember Rachel from Friends? God I hope not. I don't even know the actress's name, Calista Flockhart or some shit. She's not relevant anymore anyway. All you need to know is that her hairstyle was very popular with young women in the late 90's and at the beginning of the new millennium. It is now however, a hairstyle that is becoming increasingly popular among young men who enjoy playing and listening to false metal. One of the biggest modern threats to the metal genre's curb appeal, is that we have an increasing number of dudes who are walking around looking like Rachel from Friends.

Long hair on men has been a trademark of heavy metal style since the genre's birth in the late 60's and early 70's; but leave it to the 'scene' to take something that we hold sacred, bastardize it, and make it wussy. The end result is what your little sister looks like when she wastes another day at the salon; hair that is perfectly combed, teased, and parted ever so elegantly from the side of their pretty little heads.

To keep your long hair truly metal, it needs to be parted dead center. This allows for ease of maintenance, which is a must for all the hair swinging involved in being a champion of your musical genre.

I'm not trying to tell you how to look, I'm just trying to help you avoid looking like a wussy douche.

Supergroups

Dear Scott Ian,
Please stop it.
Sincerely, Everyone

While browsing Blabbermouth.net this afternoon, I was introduced to a modern day supergroup known as "The Damned Things". The Damned Things consist of Anthrax guitarists Scott Ian and Rob Caggiano (very metal), Every Time I Die vocalist Keith Buckley (sort of metal, but not really) and the guitarist and drummer from Fall Out B... wait, wait what?

 It was a pretty peculiar combination to say the least, but due to being a long-time Anthrax fan (and avid Fall Out Boy hater), I couldn't help but be intrigued. I eagerly clicked the play button on the audio track "Little Darling" that Blabbermouth provided within the article. I sat and waited patiently for the Foo Fighters song to be over, until I realized that the Foo Fighters song I was listening to, was actually the song by The Damned Things that I was intending to hear in the first place. Imagine my surprise... another supergroup that blows.
"Little Darling" by The Damned THings

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term 'supergroup', it is essentially a "rock-music group whose performers are already famous from having performed individually or in other groups". That's really it in a nutshell. More specifically, a supergroup occurs when a talented musician from a well established band gets tired of making great, well-produced music with the musicians he is well practiced with, so he calls up a bunch of famous names to start a garage band. These are a bunch of guys he doesn't know, doesn't have chemistry with, and all have different opinions in music. It's kind of like being in a band in high school, except you're 40 and a millionaire. I guess that's the idea.

The end result is typically this chaotic jam band clash of different playing styles from different genres of music altogether. It's like jazz with distortion. You can almost hear the artists struggle just to keep time with each other. So the fans are treated to this poorly-cut mishmash of garbage tracks that even the most Revolver of critics would struggle to call art. Regardless, it is produced on a high budget and distributed by a big name record label, just because people know the names, and are going to buy it. Thankfully, due to opposing schedules from their own respective bands, supergroups are often short-lived and hardly ever go on tour.

In theory, it sounds like a great idea. A group of awesome musicians from their own legendary bands all come together to form one single entity of musical glory. In practice however, it is a nightmare. It's like if pizza, birthday cake, whiskey and salmon were thrown into a blender. All of these things are tasty on their own, but a whiskey salmon pizza cake shake shouldn't sound appetizing to anyone. I don't care how drunk you are.

However, it is certainly possible to enjoy fish, cake, pizza and whiskey in one evening, (you are a metalhead after all) and all of these delicious items are going to merge together in your insides and form a single, powerful entity; that of which, the likes have never been seen...

A superpoop.

Playing Guitar like you're a Crab

Clearly the above Attack Attack! music video has heavy metal violations in spades. I don't think I could give you a more pristine example of anything less metal than this, but we're just going to have to put everything else aside for now (yes, even the auto-tuning) and discuss the main point of this article. For whatever reason, this band, and many other post nu-metalcore screamo industrial progressive boy bands just like them, (Abandon All Ships, Miss May I, etc) have this tendency to act like crabs while playing their instruments. Although it goes on from start to finish, I suggest you skip ahead to the one minute mark in the music video, to get a display of this phenomena in full effect for the remainder of the break down.

The guitarist or bassist assumes the crab position by spreading his legs in a wide stance, bending at the knees and squatting as far down as he can go without ripping his girl jeans. From there, he quickly starts bending his knees back and forth, propelling his body upward and downward to the rhythm of what I can only assume he thinks is 'music'. Due to this unique style of playing, screamo such as this has been aptly labeled "Crabcore", probably by other scenesters that think their core is anything less stupid.

I guess it makes a lot more sense than it does at first glance. Think about it. Auto-tuning is really just a way to make it sound like you're singing underwater, and I'm no marine biologist, but crabs definitely like water. Your typical metalcore riff also wouldn't require much more than crab-like appendages to play on a guitar. Obviously there must be a deeper meaning to all of this, that an outsider like myself wouldn't understand...

A solid heavy metal guitar playing stance is with your legs spread evenly and bent at the knees slightly; your feet planted firmly, your axe slung low, your back straight, and your head banging. It's simple, yet effective. The more stationary you remain, the harder you look. A strong stand and a mean scowl will get you more respect in the metal community than prancing or bouncing around like a jackass ever would.  

The crab dance of modern day suck rock is like the 'nu-metal hunch over' of the 90's. What will terrible music think of next?

Mosh Pit Karate Kids

Despite the phrase "war metal" being thrown around at the beginning of this video, (which keep in mind, is not made for little bitches, but in fact, vendettas) there is not a single metal activity going on in the entirety of this footage. Study it carefully, then refrain from ever doing any of it at an actual metal show, unless you want to get either thrown out, or a thorough ass kicking.
Several months ago I attended a 100 Demons show with my younger brother. From where I stood from the stage; a sea of baseball hats, wife beaters, and bandannas lay before me at about chest level. The crowd was filled with bad tattoos, napoleon complexes, ears mutilated with hockey puck-sized gauges, and this bizarre organized crime mentality, without any real criminals. I knew coming in that this wasn't even remotely my scene. I stood out like a big, fat, sore thumb and the only thing I could do was stand around with my arms crossed and silently judge while I was undoubtedly being judged harder.
A single hardcore (HxC) kid on his own is hardly intimidating, but when you are face to face with an ocean of Axe body spray that immense, you're not going to start beef in their territory. Especially due to the fact that their style of mosh pits is singling each other out, punching each other in the face, and kicking each other square in the testicles, with a sort of pseudo karate style flair . Back in grammar school, I used to have a word for that: it was called "fighting". 
To them however, it's only moshing, and despite the fact that they look you square in the eye, walk right up to you, and deliver a flying Nike to your mouth, you're not supposed to take it personally. If you retaliate, you're the one who's going to get thrown out. After 100 Demons powered through their entire discography in a 12-minute set, we all went home at like 9:30, because I guess HxC kids need to wake up in time for the school bus.
So here's the moral of this story: I didn't go to their venue, attempt circle pits, start shoving people and ping-ponging around, yet why do they find it necessary to come into our world and start Jackie Channing up our pit? There's always at least one in every show, and it is your duty as a heavy metal venue patron to remind him where he is. Here are some effective ways to neutralize the scene kid dancer ruining your good mood:
1. Cordially introduce him to the floor. Chances are at typical scenester height, he's not far from it anyway, and he can't be anywhere over 140 pounds. Kiss the concrete, Jet Li.  
2. Mock him. Do the 'macarena' in front of him. The more grizzled and metal you look, the greater the comedic effect, and therefore the more upset he will be. 
3. Taste of his own medicine. If you're wearing steel-toed leather boots like a true metal warrior, an 'unintentional' delivery to the groin will ensure that the rest of your night will be HxC free. If below the belt isn't in your honor system, then an ol' fashioned windmill to the back of his tiny cranium should get the message across. 
4. Sumo Sandwich. This may be the most difficult to pull off, as it will require collaborating with another massive metalhead or group of metalheads during a deafening metal performance. You might have to play a bit of charades to make it happen, but basically, what you'll want to do is align yourself with a partner or partners on opposite sides of the pit's rim, while Tony Jaa continues his martial arts antics in the center, oblivious to the glorious gut check he is about to receive. On a countdown of three, you'll both run towards your victim at blistering speed, meeting him on either side with the full brunt of your massive torsos, crushing his tiny body into another dimension of pain and oblivion. 
Normally, I don't condone singling people out in a mosh pit. Heavy metal is about brotherhood. We're a family, and a mosh pit is not designed to intentionally hurt anyone, but as a satisfying outlet for our aggression. It is a primal reaction to the intensity of some of our favorite music. Should you fall, a wave of hands will be there to put you back on your feet, and pat you on the back. If you get hurt badly, it wasn't a deliberate act, but a rogue head bang or elbow thrust that just caught you in the mess of things. That's the risk you take entering a pit, we all know and understand that. But all of that scene kid fist swinging and spin kicking is pure jackassery. If someone is in your mosh pit, putting your metal brethren at unnecessary risk, it is your family obligation to put them down. Period.
I'm not going to trash you for how you fairies throw around your Chuck Taylors at your own dojo, but the moment you bring that shit to my temple, you're painting a giant bullseye on your back, and I can not and will not guarantee your safety. If you like both types of music, adjust your behavior accordingly from show to show. It's not rocket science. 

Better keep working on your crane style. You're gonna need it when I find you at Amon Amarth.