SATURDAY BASS-OFF

Metal Videos that Mess with your Boner (NSFW)

Sexuality and smokin' hot babes have been a constant theme in Heavy Metal music videos and the genre in general. Unfortunately, so have fat old hairy dudes with weird faces. These are the musicians, and unfortunately, they are quite necessary. So there are a good deal of music videos out there that switch between the first thing I want to see in a heightened state of arousal, and then the very last thing I want to see. Which one of those does which for me is up to you to figure out. The video will switch back and forth between the two extremes constantly, and my confused chubby is maintained at a frustrated half-mast for the duration of the video. These are some good examples of videos that keep getting you up, only to keep kicking you down. 

Suicide Girls provided the models for this video, and that place is one the bess... websites of all time. So long as you know where to find its content without paying anything for it. Due to the site's emphasis on "true beauty", it features everything from galleries of sexy pierced goth chicks, to tattooed beluga whales in g-strings. Unfortunately, the latter is not featured in the video for Probot - Shake Your Blood. I guess I'll just have to make due. This video is remarkably cruel as it will show you skanky alternative dames tongue jabbing and paddling each other, only to cut straight to an extreme close-up of Lemmy's gnarled mutton chops and beastly moles snarling in your face. Thanks, but no thanks. 

How do you ruin the image of a naked woman crawling on all fours while wearing a chain leash? Have Galder's mustache on the other end. Buh.

Can't say that Motley Crue is anything related to true metal, (don't tell VH1 I said that), but when it came to carrying a music video solely on dancing scantily-clad broads, the glam rock genre made that more of an art form than it ever did music. Girls, Girls, Girls was the type of video that got a lot of angry moms trying to storm the walls of glory days MTV with bibles and picket signs in hand. It is a pretty hot video, but nothing puts your one-eyed beast to sleep quite like the puckered-lip look of satisfaction on Vince Neil's stupid face every time we briefly enjoy a close up of some sweet 80's chick butt.

EDIT: SEMARGL - "Tak, Kurwa" video has since been removed from YouTube (of course), watch it HERE.

I am happily surprised that there are still some dark corners of YouTube where a metal band can get away with this sort of smut in a music video. Awesome. Not so awesome is industrial black metallers SEMARGL with their shitty music and grown men wearing leather skirts. I get to enjoy some kinky les nun action every few seconds, and even bare beautiful knockers, only to have a glimpse of some scraggly chin beard, dude tongue, yellow teeth, and invisible grape fruit man hands screw it all up. RIP my woody.



We're back in the strip club with generic deathcore blowhards, Winds of Plague for The Impaler music video. Looking at mandatory babe on keyboard at the time, Kristen Randall just on her own, certainly makes most of us want to impale something, if you catch my drift. Some slow-motion strippers make the video a two for one special. Then we have hoody-wearing Hardcore Hands Mcgee over here, Johnny Plague getting all in your face like this is a circa-89 NWA video. Dudes flailing their arms like enraged chimps hardly does it for me.

So take note metal bands, if you want to treat us fans to some busty eye-candy, keep yourselves out of the mix. For the sake of all of our stiffies. Thanks.

Imitation is the Highest Form of Flattery

I didn't really want to make that big a deal of him despite his undeniable glory, but I just can't help it. The metal community is experiencing RoCkStArBaSs100 fever. Take TNM reader Albert Brown for example, paying tribute to our newfound internet metal god...

TNM FAN PHOTOS: Ponytails, Puppies, Braids and Xmas Trees...

I thought I was going to have to hawk the photo submission request a couple more times before I really got much of any pictures coming my way. I should have known better. The loyal readers of TNM are an elite metal army tirelessly heeding the call, one and for all, never surrender with glory they fall. Brothers unite, they stand up and... sorry.

Anyway, the turnout was very positive. The rules were simple: I wanted TNM readers to upload photos of themselves or their friends to the TNM Facebook wall doing something that they thought wasn't metal. They had the option to partake in a violation I already discussed, or to come up with their very own. Creativity persevered, as every photo submitted thus far was an original idea that the readers came up with on their own. I probably should have told you guys that if you submitted photos of things that I already talked about, it would show that you respect my opinion, and would make me more likely to feature the photo on the blog. What can I say, I'm in love with myself. Can you blame me? 

To submit your photos to TNM: like the Facebook page, and upload your unmetal pictures to the wall. If you missed the it before, you can read the rules here. If the picture is br00tally funny, I'll share it on the site. With that, let's get to the the photos....

My hair is in a ponytail AND draping over my shoulder, my room color is about as metal as Escape the Gay, my headphones are rasta colored, there's a Gorillaz album, and notice the trendy "Sonic the Hedgehog" shirt. Do I win?
-Albert Brown

If you can win at losing. Ponytail over the shoulder is pretty inexcusable, but I think the Gorillaz album in the background is what truly makes this unmetal masterpiece come together. The headphones and Sonic t-shirt is the cherry on your shit sundae. Nicely done sir.

I hear lapdogs aren't metal. - Brian Hopp

I present to you the guy from my logo. The puppy is pretty huggably adorable, and therefore, not metal. I love your getup by the way. Where does a guy even find a helmet like that? If I owned one, I would literally wear it every time I wrote a violation. Scratch that. I'd wear it all the time, especially if I were to ride public transportation or eat at a Chinese Restaurant. They'd flip out and think I was a Mongolian raider. Your "gay faithful dog" is definitely one thing, but I can't let you off the hook for that Offspring belt buckle. Did you mean to have a belt buckle with the album art from The Offspring's Conspiracy of One? You don't exactly strike me as much of a pop-punk fan. Either way great photo, Brian. 

Letting girls braid your hair. - Caleb Gordon

Do you think this girl braiding your hair is cute or something? Are you doing this as one of many attempted gestures to let her know how you really feel? Because I hate to break to you, but she's just being an asshole. Don't let girls mess with your epic dragon's mane, dude. Thanks Caleb for submitting a photo to let fellow metalheads know to always watch their backs.  

Birkenstocks, Dillinger Escape Plan hoody, camo hat. - David Lips

Baseball hats galore in this photo. Is it to keep the sun out of your eyes, or the metal out of your lives? What band are you guys listening to in this picture, anyway? It looks like you're in a nice, quiet enough neighborhood to piss off all the neighbors with the potential noise pollution. That redeems you of everything else going on in the picture. I hope the cops hung up on the old lady who lives at the house in the background.

....
-Trey Lee Montpetit

... ... yeah thanks.

I ended up basically soloing Christmas music for an hour. - Michael Bessette

Christmas is technically a Christian holiday, so in that regard, it's nothing close to metal. However, the capitalization and blind greed that is involved with the holiday is metal enough for me. Ham-fisted Megadeth lyrics, anyone? Pass the kool-aid. Plus there are plenty of nativity scenes around town for me to urinate on. Always a joyous time of the year for me. 

Thanks for the pics guys. Keep them coming, and I'll keep sharing and berating them.