Q&A V

This picture doesn't really have anything to do with anything. It doesn't have to, fool. THIS IS TRUE METAL Q&A.

You worms. So ignorant are you in the workings of true, glorious Heavy Metal majesty that of course you would beseech me of my inarguably divine advice in the ways of unbridled Metaldom. Sniveling weak fools, you be! How often must I turn to glance upon you and take pity on your fragile, pathetic existence to bestow upon you the greatest knowledge a man could ever hope to acquire? Can you even handle such complex theories? Is any of this even within your natural human comprehension? How quaint and whimsical I find your futile journey towards what you consider to be a true metal status. You have barely scratched the surface, my friends. The task of true metal redemption is a long and arduous one, with many obstacles, hardships, and especially temptations that will lead you astray. Nevertheless, I admire your ambition, and commend you for standing strong in the face of all that is false metal. To reward your efforts, I shall allow you to drink from the steel chalice of true metal enlightenment once again. This is the Fifth That's Not Metal Q&A, and it's going to rip your fucking face in half and pour lemon juice on your exposed muscle tissue before proceeding to set it ablaze.

And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? Cain answered "I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?" If the bible was real, which it's not, this would be the first time a man asked a question of God. In an extremely similar situation, here is the first question a reader is asking of me in this particular Q&A...

When There Wasn't Enough Metal on a Page Called "THAT'S NOT METAL" PART 2

As an elitist, it's only natural for me to stand atop an ivory pillar of pure metal might, that I myself have built miles above the heads of the rest of you pathetic mongrels. An opinion that is voiced on, in, near, around or about this blog that is not of my own, deserves about as much of a second thought from me as the sound of my turds kerplunking into a toilet bowl fortunate enough to be graced with the presence of my butt cheeks and lingering shit musk. It's no use, fools; I have the higher ground. I leave comments for my blog open under my posts, because I like to see my opinion presented exactly where it should be: standing high above a festering cesspool of border-line retarded complaints and undeniable butthurt. Without the assistance of sticky notes on your computer screen, your grammatically incorrect tirades will always literally find themselves beneath me.

Yet along with being the highest elite of the metal elite, I am also a philanthropist. I care about people, no matter how downtrodden and unmetal they may be. Just a moment ago, I squashed a fly beneath my thumb. He was so small, weak, stupid, insignificant and lived this life so void of reason or purpose, that I was instantly reminded of you guys, and I wanted to thank you all for the support! To show you my appreciation, I will continue your ongoing metal education with another post about metal bands I think are okay, as opposed to suck monkey taint.

5FDP Releases Homage to Capitalism; No One Is Shocked

So, I guess that some guy on Bloody-Disgusting.com talked to Zordon Bathwater or whatever his name is from unfortunate skid mark on heavy metal's underwear, 5 Finger Death Punch, about his latest insult to the true heavy metal spirit, NON-IRONICALLY entitled "American Capitalist."

"Bloody-Disgusting.com: Let's jump right into the new album, "American Capitalist", and, specifically, the title. What does it mean and how does it relate to the music?

Zoltan: First of all, we always liked the idea that the title could push a couple of buttons on top of being just a title. And I mean "pushing a button" as in we have something to say. Though it's definitely not a concept album, there is a definite theme that runs across the songs. I don't want to jump into analyzing the economy and politics and the various fields of social sciences, but it's kind of connected to the songs in a way that America adopted a form of capitalism that is very close to nature. Nature is pretty cool in that the way it works is that the strong kills the weak and it's a circle of life and we dig that theme. We placed that in today's society. We're living in a concrete jungle, you know what I mean? You have to go and "hunt," so that you can make money. Even though the process changed, the fundamentals are still the same. So if the fundamentals are still the same, you pretty much, humans especially due to the intelligence we acquired, have to make conscious of whether you're going to be the zebra or whether you're going to join the lion pride and go out there a maul a motherfucker! [laughs] It's just what it is, you know?! And we get a lot of flak from people who say, "This is bro metal," or "This is tough-guy music." And you know what?! Yeah! It's like, "Fuck you! I don't play music for the pussies. It IS tough-guy music!" I like that we play to an audience that share this idea of survivalism. And this connects to the spirit of the champion. You get the fuck up and fight one more round, no matter what! And that's what "American Capitalist" is about. I can definitely speak about this because I came to this country with my guitar on my back and nothing in my pocket. I came from absolute zero and kind of made it. I look at my singer who was a foster child. My guitarist was adopted after being found in the streets in some garbage. Every single member of this band came and fought for it."

So, if you've ever wondered what type of metal band benefits most from American Capitalism,

Look no further.

Temple Of The Black Moon: An In-Depth Analysis Brought To You By ABME

"...Imagine a cauldron bubbling over with the unsavory flavors of Tool and Celtic Frost, and seasoned with the likes of Immortal and At The Gates, and you'd be about halfway to describing the uncouth racket these guys have spat upon an unsuspecting planet."


Greetings...

Those are the words spoken from the new up and coming "super group" TEMPLE OF THE BLACK MOON featuring none other than Dani Filth. Dani- as we all know and fear has recently joined forces with The Artist Formally Known as King to put out an album that is not only a direct assault on black metal, but the entire metal genre as we know it. In fact, a post like this is so "un-black metal" I could not even ponder the idea of posting it on my own page.

Rumored about a month or two ago, Dani and King got together to discuss a very important topic... one that has been plaguing them for years now.

The topic at hand?

"How much it sucks being known as international metal clowns".

Unlike Dani, King does not have a bunch of screaming goth girls to boost his confidence and after being the butt of many Gorgoroth lawsuit jokes- the rage must have built up. Dani also having issues with the metal scene laughing at his ever receding hair line and height, felt the time for revenge was right. It was time to get payback on the unforgiving metal community.
It was time to form a band... not just any band...
A BAND OF TOTAL VISUAL AND MUSICAL RETARDATION!!!



(Left: The original line up which featured an actual child to take away from the fact that Dani Filth is a midget)










This band would be considered a "super group" and would attack everything "true" to metal leaving only Cradle of Filth and Ov Hell fans left to roam the earth. However an attack on everything metal is a pretty daunting task... and we all know King is no stranger to falling on his ass after such feats. The two needed to fill in the gaps... they needed a complete band. Shagrath was rumored to play keyboards, but as we all know he is only capable of playing the same three to four notes in a row in repetition as heard on The Devils Path and Ragnarok's "Arising Realm" album. Dani then moved forward with taking current Cradle of Filth producer and worthless Anthrax fill-in Rob Caggiano to fulfill guitar duties. With time and inspiration running low, the three of them latter pulled John Tempesta's name out of a hat filled with random drummers. After John agreed, the band was set. The War on Everything Metal was at hand...

The band sent out their Grand Deceleration of War to the metal community via Myspace, but later realized no one uses that shitty website anymore and their message went unheard. They later got facebook/youtube/twitter accounts and restated their message; adding a demand for sleazy/easy women, cheap booze, a tour bus that shoots flames from the back tail pipe, and lots of money for rumored hair a restoration program.

The band further stated the reasoning behind why they chose such a stupid generic name:

"We had an innumerable amount of names that never seemed likely to stick, that was until we put our proverbial heads together and narrowed it down to just three or four, and then tossed for it (proverbially of course) using a silver Norwegian crown (we couldn't find any proper money). The name Temple Of The Black Moon represents the rigorous worship of desire, (the black moon astrologically has always held association with the dark Goddess Lilith) and of course the ramifications of the lunar eclipse, always a herald for death and ill-omen."

Now I know a lot of you cannot speak the nu-metal language that is associated with anything regarding Cradle of Filth, so I ran that last paragraph through my ABME Elitist Speak Translator (ABME:E.S.T.) and provided a translation below. Yeah, you're welcome.

Translation:
We couldn't figure out which name to choose because they all looked retarded. Rob's submissions were nothing more than band names that had already been taken such as Machine Head and Emperor. It did not help either that King lied to us about being able to read. His illiteracy became apparent when he was unable to decipher the differences between the list of names on paper as he spent an hour just staring at it making low grunting noises every 10 minutes or so. We called him out when he finally pointed at the "Band Name List" title at the top of the paper and said that was his choice for the name. Essentially I (Dani) butted in and chose Temple of the Black Moon because the name sounds like some unused Cradle of Filth album title.








(Left: A fan made myspace "tribute" to this "super" group... Obviously made by a highschool aged girl)












Now lets take a second to dissect this "super group" member by member to see what is so "super" about it.

Dani Filth- Vocals: Best known for his receding hairline and dwarf-like appearance. The only member dumb enough to stay with Cradle of Filth since 1991. Also starred in a movie entitled Cradle of FEAR. The movie was allegedly banned in the UK for it's treatment of Dwarfs.

King- Bass: scorned ex-Gorgoroth member. Tried and failed miserably to take Gorgoroth from Infernus. Thrown out of the black metal scene in shame- only to join fellow clown Shagrath in forming Ov Hell. Still unable to understand the disgust coming from black metal fans, he then hammers the final nail into his musical career coffin by forming this band with Dani Filth.

John Tempesta- Drums: Random member of the band. Formerly of White Zombie. Currently in the cry baby goth band The Cult.

Rob Caggiano- Guitar: Known for being in Anthrax (post rap-metal era) while still unable to contribute any new and inspiring. Also known for producing some of the worst music known to man such as recent Cradle of Filth/Sahg/ill Nino nu-metal albums.






(Left:The bands target audience is estimated to be 95% overweight goth girls between the ages of 13 and 25.)






Despite all the brainwashed Hot Topic fan plea's; ABME predicts that this band will not be around too long. Remember the "black metal" super group Eibon? Of course you don't, but the band at one point or another featured Maniac, Fenriz, Satyr, Killjoy, and Phil Anselmo. Yep THAT Phil Anselmo from Pantera who has nothing to do with Black Metal. Turns out that due to Satyr causing some shit (most likely creative/money control issues), everyone left except for him. The band managed to put out one song and a few rough tracks before their demise. Twilight is another "super-group" that fell flat on its face. After putting out one mediocre (that is me being EXTREMELY nice) album, the band later reformed with a bunch of beardnecks and released a shitty disco album for their second release. If you ask me, Temple of the Black Moon's days are numbered.




(Left: Temple of the Black Moon need to take a note from "Super Group" history. Even if you do manage to make some music, it still is going to suck. Thankfully Eibon never took off.)



So with that said, the real choice comes down to you- the metal n00b. Will you run out to your local Hot Topic/Walmart and pick up the new Temple of the Black Moon album praising Dani Filth for his alleged "hotness" or King's "amazing musical capabilities"; or will ignore the embarrassing blackened slam-core release and give metal a fighting chance. I sure you hope you choose wisely...

Join me later on my page as we will be discussing interesting topics like Women in Black Metal III, weapons, Swedish black metal bands and much more!

Regards,
-ABME