Friends

The more the fairyer. Line up to blow me.

I recently achieved my first 1,000 likes on the Facebook page. I enjoyed some minor feelings of accomplishment and success, only to immediately have them overwhelmed with major feelings of disdain and disgust. This is heavy metal elitism. How many of you actually deserve to be here? I know for a fact that there are a solid number of false, open-minded poseurs stinking up that list of people with long hair they only had to grow, and t-shirts they only had to buy. What you shriveled little dicksnots know about true metal I could write on the back of my hand. You listen to Testament, but you know not why. You respect the devil, but you fail to honor him. You headbang and mosh at shows, but only because you think it's fun. I'll have you know that moshing is serious business. If you want to smile, take it to Warped Tour. So how many poseurs do I think are sneaking around in that true metal army of 1,000 strong? I know for a fact that it's at this point at least 999. Where did I come up with such a figure? Simple. Everyone must be a poseur except for me. Or maybe you're not? We'll see about that. The only reason my Facebook page likes have reached such a level, is because I'm making this way too easy for you pusscakes.

It's time to turn up the difficulty level on you grabasses and seriously weed out the wimps. You're no longer allowed to have friends, because you and I both know they are less metal than you or I, and will only encourage false metal behavior.

Several days ago, I was lurking on Facebook, so I could scope out regrettable drunken photographs of some skanky broads that would never talk to me. Then, I notice on the side-panel a notification that it was the birthday of some cross-eyed, weird faced dude I vaguely recall from my college years. He had 21 friends at the time. Yeah, on Facebook. Hahaha! What a douche. I immediately turned that number to 20 hard as I could. For your birthday, I got you more loneliness. Happy birthday.

Don't worry, the animosity will help to make him metal. Or just suicidal...

Once I unfriended his lame ass, I figured I should go through the several hundred people in my Facebook friends and see who was really worth keeping. This chick dyed her hair green. Goodbye. This guy bought "The Sound of Perseverance" remastered. Sayonara, scumbag. Once I started, I couldn't stop. None of these cretins could even hold a candle to my true metal standard. By the time I was finished, I deleted my personal Facebook account, and proceeded to hurl my laptop into traffic. After realizing I needed it to update the blog, I ran back onto the freeway and retrieved it. My LCD screen is now pulverized beyond use, but I don't need it, because I'm just assuming you peons are going to bitch and moan after I'm done writing this per your usual sprinkling of fairy dust. Grow a sack and shut up.


So seriously consider this for a moment. Think about your absolute, very best buds in the whole world. Why do you hang out with them? Is it because they're fun to be around, they're kind, generous, caring and because they will always have your back, through thick and thin, no matter what? Doubtful. They might tell you something to this effect, or their actions may lead you to believe such, but if you really had a tough time when you needed them most, I guarantee your "friends" would bail on you in a heartbeat. This is a dog eat dog world, and it's every man for himself. I got on the horn with my very absolute best pal, Tyranneous and put his true metal kinship to the test:

Brenocide: Hey Ty, I crashed my car because the Accept track I was listening to was too brutal not to. You understand right?
Tyranneous: Yeah, I guess.
Brenocide: Awesome! So I'm going to have to borrow your car for the rest of the summer, maybe year.
Tyranneous: Gee Bren, I don't think...
Brenocide: Fucking Judas. *hang up*


Keep in mind here that Tyranneous has to keep writing for my page. I just know better than to like him anymore.

Perhaps you have good chums that you share not much more than a common love for metal with. Lord knows you can build things far more powerful than friendship based solely on the true heavy metal genre; like HATE. As the purest of elitists in nature, I hate every other metal fan I come across. They just do it all wrong, and pass it off like it's okay. Upon meeting a fellow "metalhead" I proceed to size up his brutality with a quick interview about what he listens to, and who he's seen live recently and enjoyed. Something shitty always always slips in through the cracks, and I'm left to continue my journey searching for the man just as metal as I.

It says on your resume you've attended six Children of Bodom tours yet only saw Slayer once. 
Mind explaining?

Brenocide: So that's what I listen to, how about you?
Twinkle-toed poseur queef: *Wipes the tears from his face after being intimidated by such a true metal playlist* Well um, I um, like listening to, uh Dragonforce...
Brenocide: What's your highest score in Guitar Hero?
TTPQ: Oh! I one time got over...
Brenocide: Just kidding, don't give a shit. Kill yourself.

Upon failing the interview, you are met with the legendary, elite heavy metal technique, passed down for generations, and originating from the Guardians of Asgard, known throughout the lands as the "Crossed Arms of Disapproval". Many a sub-standard opening act has been met with the fabled crossed arms, and if a metalhead does it to you during conversation, it means that you wreak of poseur. To be on the receiving end of a metalhead's crossed arms is the greatest shame this side of the universe. You never want to be there.

Artistic rendition of the "Crossed Arms of Disapproval". 

If however, the guy has nothing but great bands to mention, or gives you some half-assed answer about how he listens to all kinds of metal, don't be afraid to keep pressing him. You'll reveal him as a poseur soon enough. It's merely a matter of time. A great strategy would be to have him name just 10-15 bands off the top of his head, of all different genres. Play it off like you just want some new music to listen to, and "really want his suggestions". You're his "friend", remember? He should be happy to help. Before you know it, he name drops "Dimmu Borgir", and you got the bastard dead to rights.

Although you must never establish a personal connection with one of these wannabes, they do serve their own purpose as potential companions. Think of a group of hot women at a bar or in the mall. Is it just me, or do they always like to bring along their fat, disgusting troll of a "friend"? You and I both know those broads only brought that behemoth along to amplify just how sexy they look in comparison to the she-beast. Similarly, when you as a metalhead allow poseurs to accompany you, it shows everybody how much more truly metal you are than them in comparison. I find it puts a lot of emphasis on how metal you are when everybody around you is not so metal. I do it all the time. (Then again, I don't have much choice.)

The more pals you have, the more you increase your chances that one of them will listen to In Flames.

Despite the concept of keeping people around to prove how much more metal you are, I can't stress enough how superior of an option it is just to stand alone. (You will seize the day...) To prove how much better a time somebody could have without having anyone else to experience it with, I spent an entire day doing things by myself where I would usually have company along with me ruining the experience.

1. Going to the movies. 
Usually when you go to the movies with your guy friends, there's always this sort of awkward situation when it comes to sitting together. Especially when the theater isn't crowded. If you sit one or two chairs away from your friends, they might be insulted, or get the impression you think they smell bad. If you sit right next to them, you're gayer than flip-flops. There's really no winning in this situation. If you're going in the movie by yourself, you can avoid that seating standoff altogether. As an added bonus, you don't have that chuckle headed douche friend with you who won't shut the hell up about how unrealistic the guns sound, how the car shouldn't have exploded from a scientific standpoint, or how there's supposed to be no sound in space. If I wanted to hear how a real gun was supposed to sound, I would buy one and shoot you with it. Needless to say, I was happy to completely hate the movie Thor all by myself.

2. Restaurants
When you eat out by yourself, you earn the pity of your server, which in turn actually means sufficient dining service for a change. He/she continuously checks back to refill your drink, makes sure you're okay, and on some occasions, will actually sit down with you to take your order. They pay special attention to you, because you have nobody there to distract you long enough for the staff to leave you alone to tend to other guests. The only potential drawback here is that if you drink too much, you have to drive yourself home. I call this a potential drawback because I have a hard time calling anyone who can't drive better drunk than sober a "metalhead". Even after all the great service, I can leave without tipping anyway, because I have nobody who can judge me for it.

3. Metal Shows
You might as well be baby-sitting. Like I explained before, you can't surround yourself in this world with anybody but poseurs, and where poseurs fail hardest is at a metal show. They do anything and everything wrong, from bringing their beer into the crowd, to recording the event with their cell phone, to standing on the pit's rim protecting girls. As the only true metal patron, these morons are now your responsibility, and it makes you look like just as much of a jackass spending what should be an amazing night trying to corral these chuckle heads. Finally when the nightmare is over, you're left outside waiting for an hour and a half, because they had the brilliant idea to buy a t-shirt at the ass end of a show. Why put yourself through this shit? Leave the dead weight at home, make the drive out yourself, focus on the live music, the circle pits, and the oblivious babes you get to fondle in the crowd.

Alright, who's the genius that brought Baseball Hats McFalse over here?

I believe that as metalheads there are few of us and we're far in between in the world. Especially over here in the States. We're not a dying breed by any means, but I think because of our existences as outsiders and being the type to go against the grain, we have formed these ham-fisted ideologies about brotherhood and bonding with one another. In our own loneliness and need to make a connection with someone else involved in our greatest passion, we have dropped certain barriers, failed to ask the right questions, and as such accepted the wrong types of people with open arms. Let me put all this into perspective for you: the members of Shadows Fall started out as metal fans. It's true that we need to band together to face a common enemy, but I'm telling you that our greatest foes are within our midst, weakening us from the inside out. They work diligently to blur the lines between true metal and false metal, by being fans of both sides, using their metal musician skills to make false metal bands, wearing false band shirts to true shows and vice versa. 

I implore you, for the good of our genre to trust no one. Especially not me. Your most viable option as a  representative of all things true metal is to be yourself, by yourself, and stay away from me. Now I'm quoting Pantera. Calm yourself, I'm only trying to emphasize just how dangerous of a game this is we're playing here. Keep those arms crossed, that brow furrowed and that face scowled. Never drop your guard, and never allow yourself to be weakened by the less metal influences that refer to themselves as your "friends".

Friends: Still not metal.

True Metal Redemption would lie in erasing your Facebook account, but you very much still possibly need it to receive future updates from the That's Not Metal page. I also have a Twitter. Hearing about how the tards at Taco Bell stiffed me of the avocado sauce on my chicken burrito may better assist you in the fight against all things false metal. If my friends were really my friends, they would have helped me burn that place to the ground. 

Ditch your fake fairy friends and stay metal forever.

- Brenocide \,,/ 

Stop reading TNM because Elitism got too hard?

You never said goodbye...

"Responsible" Parenting

Not pictured here.

So, a month or so ago, I decided to go to the Big 4. Now, I just bought a general admission ticket (because I felt like being there for a moment in metal history, instead of sitting home doing nothing at all like most of you will inevitably decide to do), but being the super epic force of trv metal royalty that I so unquestionably am, the Trv Metal Gods bestowed upon me not one, but two VIP guest passes for free. This basically means I got to hang out in the nice VIP section with sofas and busty bartenders and cut to the front row if I felt like it.

So, Anthrax was good but not great, Megadeth played well but were kinda stiff on stage, and Slayer… Slayer actually kicked ass. I thought they were done after the first time I saw them, but they’re still reigning. Anyway, so Metallica’s about to go on in 10, and naturally my friend and I pull out our weed, lighters, pipes, etc, and get ready to watch Metallica the way they’re supposed to be watched: under the influence of a mind-altering substance. Well, we had smoked about three bowls before, out of nowhere, I feel an unnecessarily hard tap on my shoulder. I turn around to see a middle aged man in a white t-shirt and beige baseball cap, giving me the frown of disapproval and demanding that either I put away my weed or relocate to a less perfect spot. Why? Because his kids were there and he didn’t want them to know about drugs yet.

HEY YOU PUNKS! Quit exposing my kids to reality! 

Naturally, he was immediately struck down with a bolt of blazing gold by the Trv Metal Gods for such shameless insolence.

I mean, really? These people are allowed to exist? This idiot took his children with him to The Big 4 show, brought them into the VIP section where the sound waves are likely to make them go prematurely deaf, and then tries to get all uppity with me and my friend for smoking pot? Does this guy realize who he paid to see? Am I the only one that’s not too retarded to see the fractures in this guy’s shattered logic? It’s not like we were lighting up at a Jonas Brothers concert, this is the Big 4. Not just Metallica, but Slayer, Megadeth and Anthrax. Those bands have a world famous affinity for binge drinking, amphetamines, cocaine and more, and this insult to crack babies everywhere is giving us shit for smoking cannabis?

Um, excuse me, but I’m not the one who brought my spawn to a Slayer show. It’s not like anything I’m doing besmirches the once proud, family-friendly names of Metallica, Megadeth, Slayer or Anthrax. What could you possibly have expected when you showed up? That everyone else at the show sold out their hopes and dreams just like you, and that we’re all too afraid of what our Trace Adkins loving wives are going to say or do to take a hit?

Kill yourself.

How he could bring himself to look a 21 year old Southern California dweller in the eyes and tell them to stop smoking weed for his kids’ sake, and not only keep a straight face but speak with real conviction, is completely beyond me. This is unacceptable. Heavy Metal would not exist if it weren’t for the 420 friendly. I dare someone to try and suggest that Black Sabbath’s audience was ever primarily sober, middle aged, white picket fence married couples, and not stoners. As for your kids, I couldn’t give a half-ounce of shit if they become tweakers and rob you and your bitch wife at screwdriver-point for meth money at 4:20 AM in ten years. Nobody gives a rat’s nutsack about your children or their well being, except you. That being said, here’s an idea: if you don’t want your 9 year old children to be corrupted by the evils of the modern world, how about you don’t take them to a goddamn metal show. Slayer’s lyrical content is exclusively about Satan and Murder. Oh yeah, immortalizing Jeffrey Dahmer and glorifying all that is evil and unholy in the world, that’s all fine and dandy, but two young men smoking a natural growing cash crop so that they can get the most out of their first time seeing the most successful metal band in the world? Let’s not get TOO crazy.

WORSE THAN MURDER.

If you are metal and have children, good for you. But if you ever, EVER walk up to me and tell me to put out my weed because you don’t want your ugly progeny asking you about it, I will put you through an entire spectrum of agony you could never begin to conceive, and you will probably die, slowly, painfully, and as a disfigured ruin of your former self too hideous for anyone to love. Mark my words.

Note: I will have it be known that I completely share Slayer's enthusiasm for all that is evil and unholy, as well as any other metal band that likes to preach the ever-glorious word of Satan. I'm just a little bewildered as to how smoking herb could be considered a more serious offense by anyone.

-Xandemic

Mattasacre Dislikes Reality

One of the more common reasons I hear from Hardcore kids as to why they prefer Hardcore as a genre as opposed to Metal is that they would rather to listen to music that is “real” rather than music based on “a bunch of fairies and dragon slaying and stuff LOL.” I guess the fact that these people would rather deal with reality than fantasy explains why they enjoy such dull and monotonous music.

Ever heard the saying reality bites? There is a reason why that is. It’s because day to day existence is a tortuous cavalcade of crap and boredom, and if you're not bored out of you're skull, you're under constant pressure to please some suited asshat in a place you don't even like, working to become something you never wanted to be in the first place. I’m not sure about any of you, but the reason why I love Heavy Metal so much is that it helps me forget about the cavernous cesspit that is life. At its very worst, it at least gives me a vent for all my frustration so I don’t wind up on top of that clock tower again...

People that only want “real” stuff in their music are the kind of people who sit up till 2AM in the morning watching CNN and bore all their workmates to death trying to incited heated discussions about tax file number legislation. In other words, they are simply tedious company. I personally don’t watch the news. You want to know why? Because it’s always the same.

Seriously, if someone was cryogenically frozen in 1991 and thawed out tomorrow, I can imagine what their first conversation would be like:

FrozenDude: “Oh, wow I can’t believe it’s been 20 years. I can’t imagine how the world has changed in that time. Tell me doctor, how did the Gulf War end? Is there peace in the Middle East now?

DoctorDude: “Nah, shit’s still going down.”

FrozenDude: “Oh, ok... well, what about the economy? Surely the standard of living has improved and people earn more?”

DoctorDude: “Not really, everyone’s still scared of inflation and debt is at record highs.”

FrozenDude: “Well, what has changed in the twenty years I’ve been frozen?”

DoctorDude: “Hey, check out this video, it’s called Nyan Cat! Isn’t it funny?”

FrozenDude: “Yeah, you can just go ahead and put me back in the freezer now...”

I suppose keeping up with the news and ingesting every piece of bland, yawn inducing, buzz killing literature like it was God’s sweat, helps make these Hardcoredians feels superior. However, for all that book lernin’, it’s rather odd that most Hardcore bands can’t come up with a message any deeper than “I am angry at you...Grrrrrr.”

Let’s try a little visual association. I’m going to show you two images that could typically sum up Fantasy and Reality and let you decide for yourself which situation is more metal.

I hope this line hurries up, I have racquetball practice in an hour

FOR GLORY!

If you agree with me, then there seems to be only one available course of action to regain your Metal pride. You need to drop everything you’re doing right now, and go out into the wilderness and swing a sword around.

If you disagree with me, please comment below. I’d love to hear about how metal your day to day reality is, and seeing as this is the internet, I’m obviously going to believe everything you say 100%.

Mattasacre

P.S. I won’t making any submissions for a little while (at the rate at which I write, most of you won’t even notice anyway) as I need to take some time to sort some shit in my life out. Most definitely not metal.