Album Ratings

Because all you need is a Sesame Street system of numbers to tell you whether an album is worth it or not.

So here's the story. Earlier last week, I was approached by one of my good friends, (or at least that's what he thinks) with the intent to converse with me as if he were capable. With a warm and friendly smile, (a deception from his true intent), he asked of me, "So I noticed that you do some album reviews on your blog, but you don't actually give a number rating on them or anything. Why is that?" Needless to say, I was aghast. This bag of the douche variety just looked me in the eye and questioned my workings as the self-proclaimed undisputed true metal master of the internet. Him and I were supposed to go to an upcoming Origin / Hate Eternal show together early next month, but I lost his ticket in the trash can.

Gather around children, and listen carefully, for these are the facts of life. No matter what anybody tells you, or what you read or what you watch, you can't slap a fucking number on art. This is even more so in the case when the art we're taking into consideration is produced in its ultimate form, which we all refer to as heavy metal. You're a damn fool and should be ashamed of yourself for even trying to judge the epic glory or devastating failure of a metal act with something as basic and blunt as a numeral system. You are 4 out of 5 RUBBER HELMETS RETARDED. 

Maybe 2.5 Helmets on your best day.

Kvelertak: The TNM Edition

Originally posted earlier this week, the Angry Black Metal Elitist presents a revised "THAT'S NOT METAL edition of the Kvelertak post which was eventually tweeted by the band to all of Norway's hipster scene. Naturally it managed to pissed everyone in that country off sending floods of hate mail and illegible shit to my inbox. I hope you learn something from this post, because it seems the Norwegians sure as hell didn't. - ABME

Greetings,

So today I take the time to do a quick summary of a band which I am sure you have on constant rotation during the bus ride to school. The band for tonight's elitist rant is none other than Kvelertak; which roughly translated mean "Stranglehold" or "Small-cock Blues". What separates this band from the other shitty black metal bands I discuss here is that the fact they play the infamous "Black 'n Roll" style sound. "Black 'n Roll" for the musically retarded is process of using non-metal riffs, screaming like a retard, and adding blast beats every ten seconds or so just to play it safe.



(Left: I have no idea what I am looking at in this picture. Please email me if you one day figure out the answer.)








Kvelertak take it a step further with what appears to be Nirvana and Foo Fighter worship. I never at one point in my shallow elitist life thought I would use the words Nirvana and Black Metal in the same sentence. However it was inevitable that one day black metal would stoop as low as to mix in the sound of that shitty 90's grunge sound which we all want to forget even existed. Interestingly enough, the hipster scene was in full force at the time of Kvelertak's first full length, and ate Kvelertak's sound up faster than MDMA laced marijuana brownies...

The two were literally made for each other.







(Left: A good example of how not to sell your band's merchandise, even if what your selling isn't worth buying in the first place.)











So Kvelertak go around whoring their radio friendly sound out to scene kids across Europe, eventually landing them a (*gasp*) NORWEGIAN GRAMMY AWARD! It would seem this band had no intention at all to write decent music and instead went straight for the hipster image and record deals; as well as appearing on MTV is several different countries and on the cover of all those shitty UK metal magazines which get all the facts wrong! Their merchandise is equally embarrassing as well, featuring dayglow colors and artwork by "elegant arthouse-core" scene favorites
.


(Left: When Slipknot headlines in Europe, it is by European Extreme Metal Music Act (EEMMA) that they are not permitted to tour with any band superior in sound to them. With Satyricon filming another music video in Hollywood, Kvelertak seemed like a logical replacement)












So your probably thinking this band could not possibly reek of Hot Topic Hipster dung anymore than they already do, but it gets even worse. Former Nirvana drummer and current Foo Fighters front man Dave Grohl is apparently madly in love with them. So much so that during his Ustream live feeds he is seen proudly holding up their debut CD amongst other shitty bands like Metallica and Govt. Mule. Not shown on the live stream was the rumored instant where Dave is being pulled away by band mates after being caught naked in the corner with the Kvelertak CD which allegedly had a blond wig taped to it.


(Left: Pop music icon and Black Metal expert Dave Grohl explains how Kvelertak sound very similar to the latest Grammy award winning Foo Fighters album which hit stores earlier this year and is available on iTunes as well.)






So Dave eventually hires them to open for Foo Fighters in Norway. Black 'n Roll opening for Foo Fighters... Well this BM Elitist is baffled. I honestly do not know what to say other than I am going to go focus my attention on taking a massive shit right now instead of this.







(Left: I could go on and on with these embarrassing tour fliers, but I think this one sets the record straight.)













Below is great example of shitty bands making shitty music videos provided to you by tonight's atrocity Kvelertak. At the 0:16 mark, you will feel as if you have gone back in time to the year 1992 on the set of MTV's TRL show.


So there you have it. I would like to say I look forward to spreading my blackened choke hold on the musical rejects with the assistance of That's Not Metal. I will be back sometime in the near future to educate you more on the stupid shit you listen to, but are too dumb to know any better not to.

Regards,

ABME

New Anthrax Song - Fight 'Em Till You Can't. Is that some wimpy chorus?

If you woke up this morning and took a look at Metal Sucks, or whatever metal blog you read that's not as epic and underground as mine, you would've seen that there is some new Anthrax for you to mosh alone in your bedroom to. Or so I would've thought anyway. Apparently Anthrax has been playing this song live for the last 3 years, and I just didn't have half a part of a fucking clue about any of it. Probably because I didn't think Anthrax was worth considering in a very long time now. It is however, a big deal, in the sense that it's the first time Joey Belladonna has lent his voice to an Anthrax recording in over 20 years, if you don't consider the “Ball of Confusion” cover Belladonna recorded with John Bush for 1999′s Return of the Killer A’s. Their new album Worship Music has been hyped up for quite a while now, and finally has a solid release date of "September 13th".

So I'm listening to this track, and it's alright. It's certainly no "Among the Living", and Belladonna's voice isn't anywhere near what it used to be. Then again, neither is Tom Araya's, Dave Mustaine's, and certainly not James Hetfield's, so considering the trend of how all Big 4 bands suck at singing now, I guess I should let that one slide. Then I listen to the song's chorus, and I'm no longer in such a forgiving attitude.

For those of you at work or school or wherever you shouldn't be reading my blog, and you aren't able to listen to the song: The best way I can put it, is it's sort of like a metalcore style chorus. A METALCORUS. Anyone familiar with Brian Posehn's "Metal by Numbers" should feel free to chime in with "This is the gay paaaart!" This chorus is wimpy, and fluffy and weak. Not very Anthrax, and definitely not very metal.

Inject your tirades regarding this matter in the comments below.

Has your day been going too well? NEW IWABO! You're welcome.

As much as I would love to pre-order the new album by iwrestledabearonce, aptly titled "Ruining it for everybody", I think I would rather pre-order the latest, greatest, top-of-the-line John Deere tractor so that I can formerly request one of my good friends run over my dick with it. Check out that t-shirt that comes with the bundle. Now that is blue. Middle school rules apply here. If you're seen wearing a shirt that fruity pebbles, you're getting your ass kicked. Take note: we are not above giving swirlies to people here in the metal elite. Regardless of whether or not we're pushing 30 or potentially 50. If it's not black, it's not a band shirt.


On a lighter note, Krysta Cameron sounds like she's singing a lot better for the clean vocals on this album. Which is nice. Nice like a soft kiss on the cheek after a prison shower gang rape sort of nice. It doesn't come out until the end of July here in the States, so I have an entire month to think of analogies for bad music before I inevitably review it. If I don't end myself first. This is deathcore with jazz hands.