For those of you unfamiliar with San Francisco based "metal" group, Deafheaven, stop fucking lying. Everybody knows who Deafheaven is. Deafheaven is and has been the exact cancer killing true metal since they released Sunbather in 2013. They are the purest physical embodiment of all things false, poseur, fake, untrve, plastic and trendy. Since their unholy inception, they have marketed their brand of atmospheric upbeat shoegaze "black metal" music specifically to an ultra-ironic generation of v-neck wearing, vinyl buying, Apple product adoring, curly moustached, sailor tat donning, craft brew sniffing, bacon worshiping, gluten avoiding, food truck line standing, Starbucks sipping, art school attending, indie listening, thrift store shopping, tumblr dick pic takers and rebloggers. They've went and done this specifically so that when these psuedo-intellectuals make dating profiles -- in order to meet and fuck each other under strict consent guidelines -- they feel like they won't be lying when they say "I listen to all kinds of music" in their single dimensional, vapid About Me sections.
I can feel you all rolling your squinty little eyes at me for being so late to the Deafheaven hate game. For years I've ignored Deafheaven because I didn't perceive them as any real threat. They just didn't scare me. Time and time again, they were referred to as a "black metal band" by journalists interviewing them, and time and time again they themselves would be the first to deny their status in the genre. In a 2014 Guitar Planet interview, lead guitarist Kerry McCoy stated "a lot of people have said that we’re not a real black metal band and to be completely honest, I couldn't agree more. Our lyrical themes and aesthetic are vastly different, we have a huge amount of influence from bands that no one in their right mind would even call metal, let alone black metal, and we don't come from the school of thought that most of the BM bands I listen to subscribe to." That to me says these guys knew their place in all this. They stayed on their side of the fence playing at shit like Pitchfork Fest where they belonged; and I stayed on mine.
Yet as time moved on, the band has grown to embrace their improper distinction. Many a band photo exists of their members proudly donning Burzum, Emperor and Behemoth shirts. They would regularly step out on stage wearing black garb from head to toe. The above recently published photo of them raising a glass along with Abbath, former Immortal frontman, was what really set me over the edge here. It's as if they're trying to egg me on personally. As if to say "haha look at us, we're kvlt enough to hang with Abbath! Suck that elitists!"
Oh, you think that's just fine because you think Immortal is a joke band, do you? That's because you're fucking 16, and you got that idea from the fact that you and the rest of your little greasy-faced tumblrite friends grew up poking fun at how undeniably trv kvlt necro Immortal is and always has been in your cunt ass little weasel hands-made fucking animated gifs of Abbath and the gang doing shit more seriously black metal than you could ever hope to achieve. The rest of us grew up being scared shitless of the grim permafrost that is Immortal because we fucking knew better. Shut your face hole. I am challenging you to a fight and I'm going to win. I don't even care if you play high school football and lift weights and think you're athletic or something, there's no fucking way you're as mean as me and you'll lose. Don't let the blogging fool you, punk, I'm street as hell. Abbath is a demon. Look at his war paint.
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| Holy shit oh my god we're all dead jesus save me he can't hear me christ it's over fuck me why god please no |
Deafheaven has officially, proudly infiltrated our ranks, and they MUST. BE. STOPPED.
Without further ado, here are five incredibly critical reasons why:
Without further ado, here are five incredibly critical reasons why:
