Friday, July 8, 2011

Awful Metal Video: iwrestledabearonce - You know that ain't them dogs' real voices

Oh IWABO. I don't think I've ever hated anything so much. So deeply, and so passionately. I think this must be what love feels like:



For months I have been eagerly waiting with twisted anticipation, for the release of their latest album, Ruining it For Everybody. While my metal blogging peers seem to have no issue getting their hands on pre-release copies for review, my connections as a hard music insider are all but non-existent. Turns out, record companies don't want their albums reviewed by cynical assholes. This makes a lot of sense to me, so unless I want to treasure hunt for a leaked copy myself, I have to wait for release day like every other shmuck. My yearning to savagely review such a musical disaster is a blood lust that's most insatiable. It's a similar situation to when a protagonist gets captured in a shitty action movie, and the evil villain tells his goons "No, don't kill him. Bring him to me..." Except here, IWABO are heroes to no one. Terrible core music has no heroes, no icons, nobody to hold in higher esteem than anyone else. It is just a pathetic, scurrying, swarming cesspool of sour-smelling indecency and a mindless, unbridled consumption of time, effort and internet airwaves. iwrestledabearonce are hardly the champions of such a land, they merely represent it at its most typically ironic and douchey.

IWABO have quite the track record in regards to taking part in music videos that are only funny to themselves.  "You know that ain't them dogs' real voices" is a classic example of this phenomenon. I don't know this fucking guy in a clown outfit. I'm sure his name is Brent or some shit. I'm sure this is one of those things where it's like "oh man, if you knew Brent, you'd totally get why it's so funny that he's being a pissed off clown right now." But no, I didn't eat school lunch with Brent back in the day. I don't see Brent at keg parties. I don't follow Brent on Twitter. I never went halfsies on a pizza with Brent. Brent can go fuck himself, along with Chad wearing his luchador mask. Brent can blow Chad and help him reach his climax the moment he hears a synthesizer in a fake metal song.

Mariah Carey is playing at the beginning of this video as the party music. Oh gee, that's so hilarious, right? Because we're a bunch of hardcore brutal kids with gauges and ink and viper bites, so we're way too bad ass to listen to something as lame as Mariah Carey which is why this is so funny. Let it be known that Mariah Carey is way harder music than IWABO. That obnoxious bitch can screech and sing circles around Krysta Cameron during even her worst diva breakdown. There are no tough IWABO fans, but there are plenty of Mariah Carey fans that would cut your face for looking at them wrong. I guess I do have to give Cameron credit though. Somewhere between last album and this album, she learned that singers shouldn't be tone deaf, and sings a lot better from the few tracks I've heard. I wouldn't give any credibility to any compliments I have for her, however, because I secretly want to hold her hand, take her to the movies, brush her hair while talking about her day and maybe if she'll let me, fuck her viciously until my wang falls off. Such are the dangers of journalistic integrity.

I totally forgot about the existence of silly string until I saw this video. That stuff is horrible. Or awesome. I don't even remember. As I've grown older, my means of vandalism have evolved from the childish likes of silly string and toilet paper, to more age appropriate means such as gasoline and fire. Unfortunately, silly string doesn't really send the message to church goers on its own anymore... I digress. Apparently IWABO didn't get the memo that there was already a pathetically comedic music video for poseur metal scenesters that involves a party with a bunch of random crap and people getting shoved into a pool.

That's really all I have to say about this. The New In Flames review is a painful process that is well under way. Some other reviews and violations and things are also in the works. Don't worry about the time between updates. It doesn't mean I'm too busy. It just means that I don't give a shit about you.

30 comments:

  1. Fucking lol'ed
    whoever wrote this, i love you

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  2. Favourite line: "As I've grown older, my means of vandalism have evolved from the childish likes of silly string and toilet paper, to more age appropriate means such as gasoline and fire. Unfortunately, silly string doesn't really send the message to church goers on its own anymore..."

    That made me chuckle haha

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  3. That song makes me feel like putting on horn-rimmed glasses and talk about riding around town on my 10-speed and being a vegan pussy and talking about how nobody understands how complex and ironic this music is. Then I remember that I'm not a hipster poser and proceed to punch down trees with my bear hands to build myself a fortress of metal, where I shall drink all the beer and eat all of the unmetal posers that dare say that I don't know what metal is . I truly enjoy your writing, good sir. Keep it up and stay metal.

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  4. I don't understand. Iwrestledabearonce is an American band. Which means they need to make money. How are they making any money this is truly terrible. I can't imagine anyone liking this.

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  5. Last sentence, third paragraph. Me too. By the way, nick touch with the purple

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  6. I've also noticed how these hipster faggots are trying so hard to look witty on every photo that it makes me want to punch my monitor. But that would be unwise seeing as I already have to pay up for the speakers I destroyed while listening to that godawful song of theirs.

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  7. Jesus Christ! Who listens to this shit and pretends to enjoy it?

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  8. kingcarcas13497/09/2011 4:43 AM

    Well fuck me in the ass on tuesday..

    I think i heard that clean singing part in like every song by "the agonist" but see where this band fucked up is in not having a hot alt. chick in a dress.

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  9. I could literally not even get through the track. I fucking tried, but I just couldn't.

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  10. the family ghost7/09/2011 9:16 AM

    I think Bren is in love with these guys actually

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  11. The first person that walks up to me and tells me that they are into this shit I will proceed to laugh in their face, then make them listen to one of their songs righ in front of me and show how much they enjoy it.
    Joy to all the lolz I will have that day.

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  12. TRVEMETALKVLTIST7/09/2011 3:08 PM

    How cute! they gave the retards instruments!

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  13. TRVEMETALKVLTIST: That's probably part of some treatment, y'know, to try to integrate them to society or some shit like that.

    Not working.

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  14. http://www.impericon.com/de/#!/?query=iwrestledabearonce&order=desc

    ...

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  15. DesolateWinter7/11/2011 9:22 AM

    im not personally attacking anybody here, i am merely expressing an opinion of mine.im vegan..and i dont expect everybody else to follow suit with those sentiments..nor am i a mentally retarded hippie that expects every last fucking person on earth to not eat meat whatsoever ..i dont have a problem with people eating meat..all my friends basically eat meat and i dont feel any better or think any less of them and furthermore i would find it more appropriate of people went back to hunting and killing their own food anyways as opposed to going to a grocery store..i dont feel like i am fighting against some kind of tyrannical system of control by my dietary choice as well because i am not a idealist with my head up my own ass..its my personal choice..could give a fuck less what other worthless human beings choose to consume..i also despise FALSE lumberjack ironic hipster metal...but not to such an extent that it consumes my existence because that worthless group of pseudo intellectuals have no place in my thoughts or worldview..they are akin to a child throwing a tantrum that will fizzle out on its own soon enough....and the day someone can have the balls to call me out on being weak for being vegan is the day i webstrike somebody in the throat.
    anybody can feel free by responding to this in any kind of negative way by thinking they have somehow bested me via internet by my lack of response..

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  16. @DesolateWinter
    Well said.

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  17. @DesolateWinter ohhhhhhhhh I just wannaaaa beee meeeeeeee!

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  18. Haha What a stupid Review, IWABO Are fuking awesome, u r right about one thing, They are not a band for old Fucks, and narrow minded dicks. like the dump who wrote this review, anyone who cant see the amount of talent IWABO got are blind. Anyway, Hopefully System of the down will be back soon with a new record! thank god for metal thats different!!!

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  19. @NewMetal??? Obvious troll is obvious.

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  20. @ssAkaerB your response and your interests only show your stupidity

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  21. The Anonymous above is the poster known as "Desolate Winter." Nice try with your "lack of response", but you DO care what others think. If you didn't, why the hell are you posting on a public forum? They have therapy for low self-esteem issues such as yours...

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  22. OH FUCK ME! IT COMES OUT ON MY BIRTHDAY!

    P.S. My name is Brent. This is turning out just fucking grand...

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  23. @TundraTerror
    That sucks for you. Happy Birthday anyway.

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  24. "Mariah Carey is playing at the beginning of this video as the party music. Oh gee, that's so hilarious, right? Because we're a bunch of hardcore brutal kids with gauges and ink and viper bites, so we're way too bad ass to listen to something as lame as Mariah Carey which is why this is so funny."

    yes, actually.

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  25. These cunt nuggets added me when I was about 17 years old back in the days of myspace. Even then I thought they looked like shit eating pork sniffers.

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  26. Why on Earth do you think that chick is hot at all?

    Damn it, she's uglier than me. And I'm pretty goddamn ugly.

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  27. Lexie disberry2/02/2012 5:53 PM

    Iwabo has some pretty dope talent, you people don't understand what she actually is trying to say though her lyrics because obviously you can't take different heavy metal, How many girls do you know that can scream like that. My point is that I'm satanist so I dig it but all you mother fucks don't dig its on your part tho.

    It's as hardcore and funny as it gets can't beat unique

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  28. Just tossing this out there I'm just a metal fan. I mean all types from classic metal (Metallica Megadeth ect.) hair metal (Stryper Def Lepard) to modern Screamo (asking Alexandria Underoath). I somewhat enjoy IWABO, and I admit they aren't the best out there. But to deny the fact hey have any talent or the fact they can associate with anyone is very narrow minded. People all have their own tastes in music whether it is Lady Gaga or Skrillex to Slayer and Decide, we have no room to critique until we have the guts to go up there and do what they do for ourselves. Sorry if this comes out like a rant >.>

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  29. Take your fucking mood elevator pills and get over yourself.

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.