Tuesday, July 26, 2011

TNM Review: IWRESTLEDABEARONCE - Ruining it For Everybody

You will never love hating something, so much.

I sat atop a grassy hill, enjoying the sanctuary of a solitary maple's shade as a welcome escape from the summer heat. What began as a balmy morning quickly turned into a punishing afternoon, as winds cleared the skies of cloudy comfort, leaving the sun to aggressively gaze upon the land, unsubdued. My denim-covered bottom lay firmly planted on the checkered bed sheet we awkwardly spread across the ground. Atop it, along with yours truly, were various Tupperware containers, baskets, and dishes that held within, her determined kitchen-based efforts. I'll never admit out loud that she wasn't the greatest cook in the universe, but the bashful smirk that graced her face every time she watched me eat the meals she prepared for me, was the most luxurious taste a man could ever hope to enjoy.

In the eager anticipation to enjoy a picnic with one another, we had forgotten to bring along the main course from our vehicle's trunk. Despite my strong offering to personally do so, she assured me that she was perfectly capable of going back to the car to get it herself, and seemed insistent that I just sit there and relax. This was our first time ever doing anything like this, and she wasn't doing much to hide that she wished for everything to be perfect. Her intention to assure that I enjoyed myself to a degree where I would take her to do it again, was as clearly defined as the tattoo ink beautifully etched across her chest. So there I sat, awaiting her return. Left only to my thoughts and the iPod that withheld my bleak destiny. With pessimistic expectations, I began the first track, "Next Visible Delicious". Even on a softer volume, it blared through my ears with headache-inducing vigor; every note, riff, chorus, bridge and lead break carefully constructed as if it was done with the intention to personally upset me:




As much as I looked forward to pretending to enjoy the clumsy delicacies she prepared for me, I couldn't possibly do it now. My appetite was lost.

I felt myself jump out of my own skin as two soft, petite hands suddenly covered my sight, only to breathe easy the moment I realized who they belonged to. "Guess who?" She cooed. I didn't hear her coming with the aural assault drilling into my cranium, and was taken completely by surprise. She released my eyes, and I turned on my knees to face her. When I pulled the headphones from my ears, she immediately recognized the "music" I was listening to as her own, and her cheeks turned an adorable shade of pink.

"Oh..." she uttered, her pessimism towards my opinion was painfully apparent. "So, what do you think so far?" 

My inability to speak right away was answer enough for her. She looked away from me and placed the large dish on a vacant area of the sheet. Busted. I could pretend to enjoy the fruits of her labor in many different regards, but this was different. As a music critic deeply in love with a musician, our paths were destined to cross in such a manner, and I always knew it wasn't going to be pleasant. After all, I have my heavy metal integrity to uphold. She is fully aware of this fact, but could do little to hide how hurt she was. 

"Krysta" I spoke her name to her softly, assuringly, while placing my hands on her fair-skinned shoulders. "You know this isn't anything personal. This is just the kind of person I am, this is what I do. You knew what to expect coming into this." She nodded, biting her lip. I couldn't help but despise myself for ever hurting her feelings. "It's just that - well - Break it Down Camacho is like the worst song I have ever heard. What were you thinking?"
My muse, my flame. 
She chuckled off her emotions and shrugged. My heart warmed at the sight of her gorgeous smile once again. It never ceased to amaze me how well she could roll with the punches. Performing music such as hers, it must have become like second nature to her."I know, I know." She replied with a sniff and another forced laugh. "Well, go easy on us would you, please? The guys and I worked really hard on that album."

"Be that as it may," I started, "I might be your beau, but I am still very much a metal elitist. The very concept of even enjoying a song such as "You Know That Ain't Them Dogs' Real Voices" would be outright blasphemy for a man in my position."



"I know this." She replied. "I would be lying if I said it wasn't what I find most attractive about you."

The lust in her eyes did little to falter my tirade. "Why are you guys singing like Elvis over surf music in the middle of that song? It's either Elvis or Danzig, and it's not funny. I just don't know what to think anymore. And that music video? Christ, who even are those people?" She picked a single, young daisy from the ground and ran it's pedals across my lips, silencing me immediately. She batted her long, dark, eyelashes, pursed her lips and let out a long, calming "Ssshh..." 

There was simply no way I could ever forgive this musical tragedy she had created. It would go against everything I've ever worked for in my life. It would tear me apart by every fiber, as a lover of true music. And yet, I loved her as well. Although I hadn't admitted it out loud to her or myself quite yet, she was my everything. I didn't want to lose that. In order to salvage the rest of our evening together, I decided against pressing it. I put the iPod aside, and began helping her set up plates and silverware. 

She couldn't help herself however, her female brain biologically wired to be incapable of ever dropping anything. "You know what, Bren? It's actually fine. I know you don't really mean anything you say on that page. Say what you want, I'm sure it will be really funny!" I miss the plate I was scooping her green bean casserole onto and it lands on the sheet with a splat. "Come again?"

"I know the whole page is satire. It's written as a dialogue on all of those closed-minded heavy metal purists that just aren't capable of enjoying music anymore." I grab some paper towels and clumsily try to clean up the mess I made, doing my best to ignore what she's telling me. Has she really been under such a ludicrous impression all this time?
A  forbidden love, growing from opposing scenes of the musical spectrum. They just wouldn't understand.
Despite her naiveté, I was overjoyed to see that she was in a pleasant mood again. I decided strongly against correcting her. I've always been fully aware of the fact that any relationship built around lies is certainly a doomed one, but how on Earth could I help myself? I would tell the biggest lies just to see that perfect face smile. "Well Ms. Cameron," I facetiously title her, much to her obvious delight. "I will say that you sing beautifully on this album, when you're not shrieking like a cat. You seem to do leaps and bounds greater with your voice than before. Especially in the track, This Head Music Makes My Eyes Rain. There are also some catchy melodies, here and there. It doesn't mean much, but in that regard, nicely done, mad'am." 

She blushes furiously and turns away from me, adjusting her black, plastic-rimmed glasses with one hand, whilst handing me a plate of her specially prepared chicken pot pie with the other. I was overcome with my feelings for her, whisked the dish aside and I firmly grasped her by her heavily tattooed arm. As I pulled her towards me, our eyes locked. Her dazzling brown eyes shimmered as they gazed deeply into mine. "No matter what happens, or what I say..." I whisper softly to her. "We will always be friends right?"

"Friends?" She replied with a soft smirk.

"You know what I mean..."

I closed my eyes and my heart fluttered with hot anticipation for what was about to occur. I leaned in close, my lips searching for the soft taste of her lip gloss and velvety tongue. There was no one else out here except us, and there was no telling how far this would go as our passion for one another burned savagely along with the mid day summer air. Suddenly my eyes open wide and I push her away. "Whats wrong?" She stuttered, taken aback by my sudden retreat from her grasp.

"Who is your synth player?"

"What?"

"Who the fuck is your synth player? I've never heard such over synthesized bullshit in my entire life. It is like the backbone of your entire musical structure! Yet, whenever I see you guys in music videos, photo shoots, or playing live, there is no keyboard player to speak of! What the hell is going on here? Where are we? How the hell did we even meet? You're from Alabama for God's sake!"

Drummer, Singer, Guitarist, Guitarist, Bassist, Invisible Keyboard Player
After my inquiry, it was at this point I realized that IWABO's lead vocalist, Krysta Cameron was a giant tyrannosaurus rex with perky breasts vomiting lava. The song Gold Jacket, Green Jacket starts whirring and whistling with obnoxious techno beats and generic chugging riffs. "Anal beads shit!" I hollered, trying to flee. Our picnic was totally ruined by lava and t-rex stomping. From the horizon appeared grand wizard of true metal Ronnie James Dio riding atop an armored Tiger's back. "LOOK OUT!!" He hollered, as he fired golden arrows into the eyes of the lava-hurling dinosaur. It's gorgeous breasts swung to and fro violently, as it was felled. It then viciously exploded into green liquid that tasted a lot like pineapple, and I couldn't stop drinking.

"Hey Dio," I shouted over to him. "I can see the tiger's stripes, but is he really clean?"

"Cleaner than your mother." The tiger replied. It was actually Joey DeMaio of Manowar, and Dio was riding around on his shoulders. Awesome. It was at this point that I realized I was having a picnic not on a field, but in fact, a giant version of my middle-school principal's face. He kept screaming my old locker combination at me and trying to eat our picnic food, but it was too high up on his face. What an asshole.

I awoke in a daze. My headphone cord was wrapped around my neck, my iPod was drained of battery, and a quarter full bottle of Maker's Mark glistened in the morning sun. I just reviewed IWABO's newest album Ruining it For Everybody in my fucking sleep, and I'm not really sure if I give enough of a shit to try it again.

Sweet dreams, folks.  

55 comments:

  1. That was a really fucked up story. I laughed pretty hard. Great review!

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  2. That's probably the best review I have ever laid my eyes upon.

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  3. I see you are inspired today... :P

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  4. Ah yes, the mysterious keyboardist. I know that person.

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  5. Holy shit, that was vivid. I need some fucking Bloodbath to get that out of my system. Not usually caught off my guard from this website because I expect it to be the hardcore, abrasive shit I'm used to... but damn...

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  6. you should review the new Opeth when it comes out. It will be both not metal, and still probably good. This way, you will start up a controversy, in your case, for the better

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  7. There's always Kat from Agoraphobic Nosebleed, or Mel Mongeon from Fuck the Facts. Can't really think of anyone else whose not in a shitty band.

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  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  9. @Xenomorph: Bloodbath aren't much better than IWABO fyi.

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  10. @Raul, then you fail at life completely

    "Hey Dio," I shouted over to him. "I can see the tiger's stripes, but is he really clean?" So cheesy, but soooo good :)

    As others have said, best review ever!

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  11. @Raul ???
    Have you ever listened to Bloodbath before or just trolling?..

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  12. This shit deserves a pulitzer......

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  13. My day is ruined. Why do people insist on making music when they don't know how to play any instruments?

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  14. you guys just don't get it.

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  15. That song made me want to cut my eyes.

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  16. @Raul you are the dumbest "metalhead" in the world for uttering that statement. It's laughable how stupid it was of you to say that

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  17. @Raul
    Maybe you can come over to my house and jerk my cock until I CUM IN YOUR MOUTH!!!! Being straight is too mainstream.

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  18. Bloodbath are just a third-rate Swedish death metal band. Honestly if you know Bloodbath but you don't know any other Swede death , then what the hell are you doing? It's like preferring a tribute band to the original band.

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  19. @Cyanide: I'll pass on that, maybe you'll have better luck with the local crackhead but I'm not guaranteeing anything.

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  20. @Raul
    Come on! We both like shitty bands no one has heard of. Your ass was meant for my cock.

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  21. Well, at least you know you like shitty bands. That's a start. Looks like I'm making some progress here.

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  22. "It's gorgeous breasts swung to and fro violently, as it was felled. It then viciously exploded into green liquid that tasted a lot like pineapple, and I couldn't stop drinking."
    I almost pissed myself, well done.

    Raul, you can`t call a DM band that included in its lineup Peter Tagtgren, Mikael Akerfeldt and Dan Swano shitty without looking like a hipster faggot sorry bro. Cyanide is waiting for you

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  23. @Raul
    I get a feeling you're just hating them cause it's "trendy" to do so? Perhaps cause Akerfeldt is in them (?). And wtf does knowing other swedese death metal bands has to do with wether they're good or not? Honestlly musically they're one of the most 'decent' DM bands out there today. If you can't see it you suck. end of story
    btw "Cyanide" is a common anonymous trolling name around here fyi...

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  24. Awesome review!

    "Hey Dio," I shouted over to him. "I can see the tiger's stripes, but is he really clean?" "Cleaner than your mother." The tiger replied.

    Fucking brilliant...

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  25. Well I love this Album. Noticed the lyrics of the second video? "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

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  26. Tagtgren sucks and Swano hasn't done anything good in a while. Akerfeldt's a pretty cool guy though. But at any rate, Bloodbath are the Six Feet Under of Swedish death metal (well maybe not as flat-out bad, but they are boring. Maybe Dethklok would be a better comparison). Go listen to Dismember, Nihilist, God Macabre, Carnage, Nirvana 2002 and pretty much every other Swedish death metal band instead. If you think they're one of the best death metal bands out there today, you clearly don't know any current death metal bands aside from like Cannibal Corpse.

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  27. thefamilyghost7/28/2011 10:45 PM

    Cool story raul.

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  28. Bastard Samurai7/30/2011 12:56 PM

    Brenocide, Sir, you've got some serious writing chops; hats off; one of the best reviews I've read.
    (Not starting the embedded videos, but blasting Twilight of the Thunder God instead must have helped though.)

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  29. Raul tells the truth here. Posers.

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  30. @Joe
    So we're a puzzling question. What are you retarded?
    Poser = puzzling question
    Poseur = someone pretending to be something they're not.

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  31. I bet "Joe" is Raul incognito... :P

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  32. Nah, I don't need to hide behind a false name to call you guys falses.

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  33. @Raul
    I find it funny that as an argument to discount bloodbath as one of the better swedish death metal bands today you use four bands as an example that have been broken up since the nineties. Yeah sorry they don't have "sunlight" sound buddy, it's also 2011 not '92

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  34. @Anders: I might not have worded my statement very well, as there seems to be some confusion. For one, Bloodbath were called one of the "decent death metal bands today." That applies toward all scenes, not just Sweden. I refuted that claim by stating that Bloodbath are nothing more than a carbon copy of the original Swede death scene (and not even a good one at that). And really, they DO have the "sunlight" sound because they're just copying what Entombed and Dismember have done already. Now I am a fan of the whole revivalist death metal stuff that's going around right now, but Bloodbath are pretty damn mediocre compared to the other revivalist bands out there. The only reason they have such large name recognition is because of the people involved, not the quality of the music.

    General modern death metal bands better than Bloodbath: Immolation, The Chasm, Vomitory, Grave Miasma, Disma, Vorum, Hail of Bullets, Funebrarum, Winterwolf, Claws, Excoriate, Ignivomous, Mitochondrion, Necros Christos, Tribulation, Portal, Mithras, Dead Congregation, Drawn and Quartered, Repugnant, Weapon, Teitanblood, Krypts, Miasmal, Criciamentum, Arghoslent, Impaled, Morbider, Necrovation, Hooded Menace, Coffins, etc etc etc.

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  35. @Raul

    No, no, no, no, don’t phunk with my heart
    (Yeah)
    No, no, no, no, don’t phunk with my heart

    I wonder if I take you home
    Would you still be in love, baby (in love, baby)
    I wonder if I take you home
    Would you still be in love, baby (in love, baby)

    Girl, you know you got me, got me
    With your pistol shot me, shot me
    And I'm here helplessly
    In love and nothing can stop me
    You can't stop me cause once I start it
    Can't return me cause once you bought it
    I'm coming baby, don’t got it (don’t make me wait)
    So let’s be about it

    No, no, no, no, don’t phunk with my heart

    Baby, have some trustin', trustin'
    When I come in lustin', lustin'
    Cause I bring you that comfort
    I ain’t only here cause I want ya body
    I want your mind too
    Interestin’s what I find you
    And I'm interested in the long haul
    Come on girl (yee-haw)

    (come on)

    I wonder if I take you home
    Would you still be in love, baby (in love, baby)
    I wonder if I take you home
    Would you still be in love, baby (in love, baby)

    No, no, no, no, don’t phunk with my heart

    Girl, you had me, once you kissed me
    My love for you is not iffy
    I always want you with me
    I'll play Bobby and you’ll play Whitney
    If you smoke, I'll smoke too
    That’s how much I'm in love with you
    Crazy is what crazy do
    Crazy in love, I'm a crazy fool

    No, no, no, no, don’t phunk with my heart

    Why are you so insecure
    When you got passion and love her
    You always claimin’ I'm a cheater
    Think I'd up and go leave ya
    For another señorita
    You forgot that I need ya
    You must’ve caught amnesia
    That’s why you don’t believe

    (uh, yeah, check it out)

    Don’t you worry ‘bout a thing, baby
    Cause you know you got me by a string, baby
    Don’t you worry ‘bout a thing, baby
    Cause you know you got me by a string, baby

    Baby girl, you make me feel
    You know you make me feel so real
    I love you more than sex appeal
    (Cause you’re)
    That-tha, that tha, that-tha, that girl [5x]

    [overlapping]
    No, no, no, no, don’t phunk with my heart [2x]
    That-tha, that tha, that-tha, that girl [2x]

    I wonder if I take you home
    Would you still be in love, baby (in love, baby) [4x]

    Don’t you worry ‘bout a thing, baby
    Cause you know you got me by a string, baby
    Don’t you worry ‘bout a thing, baby
    Cause you know you got me by a string, baby

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  36. @Raul
    Well I'll admit that they're not as well executed as disma, incantation, morbus chron etc. But you also have to look at it for what it is, which is a more mainstream friendly version of swe-death. What they sacrifice in brutality they makeup for in accessability, it's not bad for what it is

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  37. Yeah sure, I will admit that. As far as "popular" metal goes, they're decent even if they are carbon copy clones. But to say that they're one of the best death metal bands around? That is complete asinine bullshit.

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  38. Raul I can't take this anymore! You have the exact same opinions as me! I need to spread your asshole!!

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  39. @Raul
    I get where you're coming from, I just think they don't deserve to be bashed and neither do their fans. Not every metal fan has been at it long enough to find the gems beneath the mediocre shit, and if bloodbath helps someone to find entombed and desultory I think it's serving a purpose. Let's not forget we live in a world where wad for a cowboy, bring me the hair straightener and the shit this post is about gets paraded around as death metal, that is what's deserving of ridicule

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  40. @Raul
    True. They are an exact copy of many old school death metal bands just like many modern black metal bands are a carbon copy of the low-pro old school bm bands. In truth I think their only good record is Nightmares made flesh, which is a very good album imo..

    But your initial statement wasn't wether they're original or not but "Bloodbath aren't much better than IWABO"..
    Talking about asinine bullshit....

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  41. @ raul, a band being popular does not make them bad. alot of the time, popular bands can actually be very good. honestly, you sound like the average metalhead hipster, who only thinks underground music is good, when that opinion is completely worthless. sure cannibal corpse is boring, and amon amarth sucks, but plenty of popular bands are damn good in metal.
    note, i do not like bloodbath that much. nor do i even call myself a metalhead. trands are simple minded, sheep to the shepherd shit....

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  42. @Raul It's funny how some people truly get mad about what you say sometimes. If they were a metalhead, they wouldn't care if you don't like one of their bands. But, fortunately, people do and I get to laugh at their feeble attempts to prove you wrong. Funny stuff.

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  43. @Complete Music Whore: I love Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, and all that jazz, but stuff like Bloodbath, Cannibal Corpse, and yadda yadda are just boring. Just because a band is popular does not mean they are bad, but often enough they are.

    @ssAkarB: yeah, it's pretty amusing to ruffle the feathers of these falses.

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  44. Holy fuck this band is ATROCIOUS! But a very amazing review/story good sir.

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  45. Never watched this kind of shit before but man,
    ill put it this way
    music is suppose to be sex for the ears
    well this was like being raped by the dry jaw bone of a fucking horse while being shot with a pellet gun in the dick.

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  46. Get this man a Pulitzer Prize.

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  47. Music is art, if u dont like dont listen. This band is Like System of the down, Thank god for people who think outside the box!!! Please Post a list of what true metal is? Im guessing Black sabbath? Slayer?

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  48. anyone who thinks IWABOS new album and Opeths new album isn't metal can eat a fat bowl of shit and wash it down with a sweaty bag of dicks fuck all you haters but never the less damn good review very florid it gave me a boner hahahahahahahahahahaha fuck all you purist fags
    "we are of legions
    we do not forgive
    we do not forget"
    -Anonymous

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  49. http://s3.amazonaws.com/kym-assets/entries/icons/original/000/006/151/tumblr_lltzgnHi5F1qzib3wo1_400.jpg?1308698386

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  50. Hilarious. Also, I think this album's a masterpiece.

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  51. This is it. From hereon in, every review I read of anything will be rendered a pointless bore....

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.