Thursday, July 28, 2011

Unmetal Photo Submission: The Metalhead at Warped Tour


Today's Unmetal Photo Submission was sent in by long-time TNM regular Caleb Gordon. Caleb writes:

"Here's me being unmetal. I tried my hardest to make going to Warped Tour not the biggest mistake of my life, so I wore a Moonsorrow shirt and made the classic Black Metal "Grim Face" as often as I could. It didn't work..."

Of course it didn't.

Being a man in the sort of position I'm in, I am often asked the question by friends and readers alike, "What is the worst music ever?" I used to have a really difficult time explaining it to people. There's just so much variety when you take into consideration something as widely scattered as truly awful music. In recent years however, someone had the sense to collect all of the worst rock music ever written by the worst bands ever to grace the Earth, and have them all perform together in one horrifying debacle of a music festival.

The Warped Tour.

The bands that typically perform at Warped Tour, and the fans that are musically clueless enough to enjoy it, are probably the main reason a blog as full of hate and spite such as mine exists. Now, whenever I am asked aforementioned question about the music I hate most, all I have to do is say "everyone that plays at Warped Tour."

I'm not really sure how you accidentally found yourself at a Warped Tour show, Caleb. But I hope to god fellatio was somehow involved. I'm sure she's somewhere outside the picture's frame waiting for you to be done posing with your buddy in his Angry Birds themed August Burns Red shirt. I'm sure of it. She's got to be there, somewhere, right? Tell me there's some bangable scene chick that dragged you along with the promise of sexual favors so that you could stand to listen to this crap for a little while. Am I right man? I have to be right. Right? Because if not, even representing Moonsorrow wouldn't be enough to help you save face. I mean, you went to a show where this sort of thing happens:


For dudes that "DISRESPECT YOUR SURROUNDINGS" you guys sure seem to be very careful about not hitting each other. 

Anyway, thanks for the photo, Caleb. I was glad to see that you managed to "MAKE IT OUT ALIVE". All you other cretins know the drill. You can send me you and your friends acting unmetal by either liking the Facebook Page and uploading them to the wall, or you can just e-mail them at brenocide [at] thatsnotmetal [dot] com.


Stay metal, folks. If at all possible. 

19 comments:

  1. Is that what they do at gay pride parades now?

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  2. The worst injury in that 'pit' was probably a lot of sprained vaginas.

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    1. TheIronMaiden6/11/2012 3:02 AM

      I'm glad I know better than to partake in that nonsense because my vagina would most definately be sprained after all those high kicks and spazzing about. I hope they stretched first...

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  3. They probably all promised their boyfriends they wouldn't hurt themselves.

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  4. I seriously hate these kind of festivals. I'm not exactly sure what they Warped names are.. But geesh.. Reminds me of when I went to Copenhell this year. There were 5 bands worth seeing out of 17 bands. And those five bands were spread all over the program. I'm still scarred from seeing Bullet For My Valentine..

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  5. That is the most hilarious video ever. Now, before I get into the mechanics, let me point out that you can't hear any music at all. Which means that these waginers are so far from the stage that a pit is pointless anyways. But, even if you HATE hardcore and think that hardcore moshing is stupid, you have to realize that what these guys were trying to do was not moshing at all. That was such a travesty that anyone that doesn't know anything about hardcore would obviously have no choice but to think it's the dumbest shit ever. And when you mosh, in any sort of pit, you aren't supposed to hear your Etnies slapping the pavement. Forcibly suicide them all.

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  6. Well I'm glad no one decided to bash me for being at such a horrible thing as Warped Tour. It was the worst mistake of my life, and I'd rather cut off my penis than do it again, no matter how many scene girls offer themselves to me. The best part was when it started pouring rain and D.R.U.G.S. had to stop fucking playing their music. My word of advice, even though you ALL should already know this, no matter what a woman offers you, don't go to Warped Tour with them. I don't care if you are engaged or whatever bullshit, don't do it. And so you know, there was a girl involved. But it still wasn't worth it.

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  7. thefamilyghost7/28/2011 10:43 PM

    Eh I went to warped tour 2003, saw pennywise and dropkick murphys, it was great. That was before crabcore existed though.

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    1. TheIronMaiden6/11/2012 3:05 AM

      Unfortunately not before dropkick murphys or pennywise though. Deemed false.

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  8. Of course that's why he went! What other reason would there be? Some myspace hooker invites you and pays for your ticket, alright! Get as wasted as possible and go for the lulz, but i think wearing a metal shirt is actually a bad idea. You have now tainted it forever! Try to blend in, stay in the background and if you want keep that elitist stare on your face.
    ^ A decade ago when they had real punk bands, now they have bands nobody even knows about and who knows what genres, i'd rather go see Evanescence for christ sake

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  9. I would have worn a non-metal shirt, but I don't have any! To blend in I would have had to dye my hair, cut it in some gay fashion, buy tight pants that I would wear below my ass, and get some vans slip-ons. That's trying to hard, as Brenocide would say. And if you are trying too hard to be not metal, there is something seriously wrong.

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  10. Klaufi = greatest troll EVAHZ!!!!

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  11. I like how this website is just a bunch of bullshit from new metal elitist...News flash assholes, in 20 years no ones gonna give a shit about your music since it isn't genre refining like the REAL metal bands did (Black Sabbath, the big four,Quiet Riot, Blue Oyster Cult, Nazareth, etc) You don't even understand what it means to be metal, so go bitch about shitty emo bands you shouldn't care about (If you're gonna waste the time bitching about them on the internet, you obviously care and don't realize metal is about not giving a single fuck)

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  12. I like that you care about us caring about... not caring. Care-ception!

    Damn, though. Once upon a time I woulda gone to Warped Tour. Looks like I dodged that hail of shit bullets.

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  13. Hi Daniel. And you think your scenekid pseudo hardcore karate moshing music is going to survive 20 years from now? Enjoy watching VH1's I love the teens with an elderly Hal Sparks attempting to make hilarious quips detailing what you've already witnessed on the screen.

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  14. Why bother getting so mad at Daniel. He obviously likes the site as he stated in the beginning.

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  15. Ugh. I can agree with this, but one band I got to stock up for is the word alive, the covered ozzy rhodes era. Thats metal, and fucking guitar solos don't hate on them.

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  16. ozzy sucks in every era, minus sabbath...

    sorry.

    most warped bands suck, this is true, but there's the occasional NOFX/Anti-Flag/Wonder Years/gallows to make up for it.

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    Replies
    1. TheIronMaiden6/11/2012 3:07 AM

      Ozzy just wishes he was Dio. Ozzy Sabbath can blow my metaphorical dick.

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All readers that post under the name "Anonymous" and are too frail and weak to represent themselves properly with a title, shall be deemed false metal poseurs for the remainder of their pitiful existence.