Album Ratings

Because all you need is a Sesame Street system of numbers to tell you whether an album is worth it or not.

So here's the story. Earlier last week, I was approached by one of my good friends, (or at least that's what he thinks) with the intent to converse with me as if he were capable. With a warm and friendly smile, (a deception from his true intent), he asked of me, "So I noticed that you do some album reviews on your blog, but you don't actually give a number rating on them or anything. Why is that?" Needless to say, I was aghast. This bag of the douche variety just looked me in the eye and questioned my workings as the self-proclaimed undisputed true metal master of the internet. Him and I were supposed to go to an upcoming Origin / Hate Eternal show together early next month, but I lost his ticket in the trash can.

Gather around children, and listen carefully, for these are the facts of life. No matter what anybody tells you, or what you read or what you watch, you can't slap a fucking number on art. This is even more so in the case when the art we're taking into consideration is produced in its ultimate form, which we all refer to as heavy metal. You're a damn fool and should be ashamed of yourself for even trying to judge the epic glory or devastating failure of a metal act with something as basic and blunt as a numeral system. You are 4 out of 5 RUBBER HELMETS RETARDED. 

Maybe 2.5 Helmets on your best day.

Kvelertak: The TNM Edition

Originally posted earlier this week, the Angry Black Metal Elitist presents a revised "THAT'S NOT METAL edition of the Kvelertak post which was eventually tweeted by the band to all of Norway's hipster scene. Naturally it managed to pissed everyone in that country off sending floods of hate mail and illegible shit to my inbox. I hope you learn something from this post, because it seems the Norwegians sure as hell didn't. - ABME

Greetings,

So today I take the time to do a quick summary of a band which I am sure you have on constant rotation during the bus ride to school. The band for tonight's elitist rant is none other than Kvelertak; which roughly translated mean "Stranglehold" or "Small-cock Blues". What separates this band from the other shitty black metal bands I discuss here is that the fact they play the infamous "Black 'n Roll" style sound. "Black 'n Roll" for the musically retarded is process of using non-metal riffs, screaming like a retard, and adding blast beats every ten seconds or so just to play it safe.



(Left: I have no idea what I am looking at in this picture. Please email me if you one day figure out the answer.)








Kvelertak take it a step further with what appears to be Nirvana and Foo Fighter worship. I never at one point in my shallow elitist life thought I would use the words Nirvana and Black Metal in the same sentence. However it was inevitable that one day black metal would stoop as low as to mix in the sound of that shitty 90's grunge sound which we all want to forget even existed. Interestingly enough, the hipster scene was in full force at the time of Kvelertak's first full length, and ate Kvelertak's sound up faster than MDMA laced marijuana brownies...

The two were literally made for each other.







(Left: A good example of how not to sell your band's merchandise, even if what your selling isn't worth buying in the first place.)











So Kvelertak go around whoring their radio friendly sound out to scene kids across Europe, eventually landing them a (*gasp*) NORWEGIAN GRAMMY AWARD! It would seem this band had no intention at all to write decent music and instead went straight for the hipster image and record deals; as well as appearing on MTV is several different countries and on the cover of all those shitty UK metal magazines which get all the facts wrong! Their merchandise is equally embarrassing as well, featuring dayglow colors and artwork by "elegant arthouse-core" scene favorites
.


(Left: When Slipknot headlines in Europe, it is by European Extreme Metal Music Act (EEMMA) that they are not permitted to tour with any band superior in sound to them. With Satyricon filming another music video in Hollywood, Kvelertak seemed like a logical replacement)












So your probably thinking this band could not possibly reek of Hot Topic Hipster dung anymore than they already do, but it gets even worse. Former Nirvana drummer and current Foo Fighters front man Dave Grohl is apparently madly in love with them. So much so that during his Ustream live feeds he is seen proudly holding up their debut CD amongst other shitty bands like Metallica and Govt. Mule. Not shown on the live stream was the rumored instant where Dave is being pulled away by band mates after being caught naked in the corner with the Kvelertak CD which allegedly had a blond wig taped to it.


(Left: Pop music icon and Black Metal expert Dave Grohl explains how Kvelertak sound very similar to the latest Grammy award winning Foo Fighters album which hit stores earlier this year and is available on iTunes as well.)






So Dave eventually hires them to open for Foo Fighters in Norway. Black 'n Roll opening for Foo Fighters... Well this BM Elitist is baffled. I honestly do not know what to say other than I am going to go focus my attention on taking a massive shit right now instead of this.







(Left: I could go on and on with these embarrassing tour fliers, but I think this one sets the record straight.)













Below is great example of shitty bands making shitty music videos provided to you by tonight's atrocity Kvelertak. At the 0:16 mark, you will feel as if you have gone back in time to the year 1992 on the set of MTV's TRL show.


So there you have it. I would like to say I look forward to spreading my blackened choke hold on the musical rejects with the assistance of That's Not Metal. I will be back sometime in the near future to educate you more on the stupid shit you listen to, but are too dumb to know any better not to.

Regards,

ABME

New Anthrax Song - Fight 'Em Till You Can't. Is that some wimpy chorus?

If you woke up this morning and took a look at Metal Sucks, or whatever metal blog you read that's not as epic and underground as mine, you would've seen that there is some new Anthrax for you to mosh alone in your bedroom to. Or so I would've thought anyway. Apparently Anthrax has been playing this song live for the last 3 years, and I just didn't have half a part of a fucking clue about any of it. Probably because I didn't think Anthrax was worth considering in a very long time now. It is however, a big deal, in the sense that it's the first time Joey Belladonna has lent his voice to an Anthrax recording in over 20 years, if you don't consider the “Ball of Confusion” cover Belladonna recorded with John Bush for 1999′s Return of the Killer A’s. Their new album Worship Music has been hyped up for quite a while now, and finally has a solid release date of "September 13th".

So I'm listening to this track, and it's alright. It's certainly no "Among the Living", and Belladonna's voice isn't anywhere near what it used to be. Then again, neither is Tom Araya's, Dave Mustaine's, and certainly not James Hetfield's, so considering the trend of how all Big 4 bands suck at singing now, I guess I should let that one slide. Then I listen to the song's chorus, and I'm no longer in such a forgiving attitude.

For those of you at work or school or wherever you shouldn't be reading my blog, and you aren't able to listen to the song: The best way I can put it, is it's sort of like a metalcore style chorus. A METALCORUS. Anyone familiar with Brian Posehn's "Metal by Numbers" should feel free to chime in with "This is the gay paaaart!" This chorus is wimpy, and fluffy and weak. Not very Anthrax, and definitely not very metal.

Inject your tirades regarding this matter in the comments below.

Has your day been going too well? NEW IWABO! You're welcome.

As much as I would love to pre-order the new album by iwrestledabearonce, aptly titled "Ruining it for everybody", I think I would rather pre-order the latest, greatest, top-of-the-line John Deere tractor so that I can formerly request one of my good friends run over my dick with it. Check out that t-shirt that comes with the bundle. Now that is blue. Middle school rules apply here. If you're seen wearing a shirt that fruity pebbles, you're getting your ass kicked. Take note: we are not above giving swirlies to people here in the metal elite. Regardless of whether or not we're pushing 30 or potentially 50. If it's not black, it's not a band shirt.


On a lighter note, Krysta Cameron sounds like she's singing a lot better for the clean vocals on this album. Which is nice. Nice like a soft kiss on the cheek after a prison shower gang rape sort of nice. It doesn't come out until the end of July here in the States, so I have an entire month to think of analogies for bad music before I inevitably review it. If I don't end myself first. This is deathcore with jazz hands.

Suicide Silence will "Outlast the Deathcore Genre". Sort of like how the Stench Outlasts my Bowel Movements.

In a recent interview with Guitar World magazine, Mark Heylmun, guitarist for Suicide Silence, said in regards to being called "deathcore":

Mark Heylmun: It doesn't matter to me anymore what people call us. It kind of was weird at first just ‘cause it doesn't sound cool and where we come from isn't just straight death metal and hardcore. We will outlast the deathcore genre just as KORN and DEFTONES and SLIPKNOT have outlasted the nu-metal genre.


Because we're all so happy to still have the likes of Korn, Deftones and Slipknot around, right? Regardless, I take this as a pretty bold statement coming from a band that epitomizes a sub genre with a very clear expiration date. I think these boys have themselves a very lucrative record deal in mind for the future to make such an assumption. You know, the type of deal where you cut your hair, uproot all your morals as an artist, play simpler music and write lyrics that teenage girls relate to? What do we call that again?

I merely jest. As you can tell from their latest single, SS is still very much staying true to themselves and unapologetically producing the same exact kind of music they have been all along:



The shitty kind.

With harsher vocals, you don't too often take the lyrics into account. When it comes to Suicide Silence, apparently there is a good reason for that. Just having it laid out in front of us like that word for word is pretty embarrassing to say the least. 

When There Wasn't Enough Metal on a Page Called "THAT'S NOT METAL".

Some of you thought it proper to go ahead and question my true metalocity after I gave a positive review of an album I had a positive opinion of. While it may seem like an egregious error on my part to show any form of respect towards a melodic death metal band from American soil, I assure you that I have more metal surging through a single dick molecule than you have in your entire CD collection, or body and soul for that matter. Everything you know about pure-blooded, true heavy metal I could write on the back of my hand. My mitts are definitely beastly and massive enough to strangle any bear species of your choosing, so in respects to what I just said about what you know, I can write the words "FUCKING NOTHING" about as large as I could ever want. Maybe underneath that, I could squeeze in the name "Agalloch" somewhere. Depends on how much slack I'm willing to cut your poseur ass. Don't ever come up to me like you know me or I respect you and start talking to me about what is and isn't metal. Last time I checked, you don't make the fucking rules.

Then I see gems like this after I follow my traffic sources back to Reddit: 

How is that odd, again? Either way, I felt pretty bad that horticultualist didn't think my website was worth any of his precious time. I put a minimal amount of effort into this blog, and if I fail to entertain someone, I always feel like I should be doing more. So in an effort to appease my current readers, as well as new ones such as horticultualist, I looked up what he's personally doing with himself that he considers so much more worthwhile (besides actively posting on Reddit):

1. Playing Starcraft.

2. Being fat. 

"Disrespectful idiots", indeed.

YOU DUDES READY TO THRASH AT EPICENTER?!

A while ago I got a strange phone call where a person was making a list of all the bands I personally think suck the pope's anal beads. I thought nothing of it, until days later I came across this poster. Apparently they were putting together a festival of the worst music ever written, and wanted my expert opinion.

It's like they took rock radio's entire playlist and included Asking Alexandria just to add insult to injury.  Limp Bizkit? Staind? Buckcherry? Puddle of Mudd? Papa Roach? Do people actually still listen to these bands today and don't feel humiliated about liking them 10+ years ago when they were actually musically relevant? I like how Five Finger Death Punch gets top billing as well, considering they are inarguably a modern day carbon copy of all the butt rock bullshit bands featured at this fucking show. I'm sure the parking lot will be full of pickup trucks, and the crowd will be a bunch of awkward 30-somethings wearing sunglasses, Orange County Chopper Shirts you can't even find anymore, and American Flag/Confederate Flag/Skull bandannas. They'll probably be smoking Mavericks. Your cigarettes taste like fucking raisins, and your taste in music is even worse. That's just one type of creature that finds this music palpable, mind you.  Let's not forget autistic fat kids that wear circle-framed glasses and relate to the lyrics of Breaking Benjamin, and blonde, lip-glossed, drunken cougars showing off their leathery-skinned cleavage in shirts nowhere near appropriate for their age.

I would love to go this show just to see how many stupid people you can actually fit in one place. More bands to be announced? Oh that's good. I wonder where Korn and Crazy Train were in all of this.

Andy Sux at Stage Dives

Jump ahead to around 1:08 to watch Twinkle toes eat shit:



Hey Andy Six, know what's always good for rib pain? If you lick my butthole.

TNM REVIEW: The Black Dahlia Murder - Ritual

Most likely unbeknownst to them, their fans, or the sane people in the community of extreme music listeners, The Black Dahlia Murder is a band that probably stirs up more controversy than any other within the true metal community. There are a large group of metalheads that for whatever reason, just hate this band to its very core. This is all and good I suppose, as there are many "true" metal bands out there that I can't stand either. You should know that personal opinions finally carry some weight with me once we are safely within the realm of metal truth. It makes much more sense to me to favor some good music over other good music, as opposed to liking fake metal or anything that's not metal. Which, as I have thoroughly educated you to already know, sucks and isn't worth anybody's time. Period. However, sometimes there are dimmer metalheads that confuse their personal taste with the black and white philosophy of "true" and "false". Case in point: tons of you guys hate Pantera. Fine. But they're definitely a metal band, so shut your fucking face about me writing a "Violation" about them.

We find ourselves in a very similar situation with Michigan-based melodic death metal band, The Black Dahlia Murder. I'll say that again. Melodic death metal band. The Black Dahlia Murder. Love or hate the band, that is truly in fact, what they are. They're not deathcore genius, shut your suck hole. Even though I kept their music at a pessimistic arm's length with their earlier material, they have proven to me time and time again with every release that they have the death metal chops to be here, and more importantly, be respected. Haters take note: Ritual is definitely their most powerful release to date, with spine-tingling highs, devastating lows, furious guitar solos, catchy hooks that will tenaciously stick with you, punishing double-bass beats, and grooves guaranteed to make your head bang if you just let it happen. Ritual is TBDM doing what they do best and even better than before. It is a truly amazing album, and easily earns this cynical metal douchebag's seal of approval.

Poseur Mail Saturday! Which is not actually a weekly thing.

VERBAL ABUSE IS STILL ABUSE. Which is why I like it so much. 

"Words can hurt and words can heal. What have yours done today?" It makes you think doesn't it? Yeah, seriously. What sort of fairy is healing people with their words? If I knew that my words were capable of ringing the necks of small, helpless, dewy-eyed children, then I would never shut up. So in celebration of mean-spirited remarks, and even more specifically, the remarks of mine that have hurt many a reader's butt, I thought I'd do something special today and prepare an article that collects some of my favorite recent comments from some of the falsest wannabe poseurs who are too frail to handle the true metal glory of my web blog. 

Awful Metal Video: Trivium - In Waves

It's a mountain that floats, dude. Why not?

Do you know what I thought to myself? I had quite the whiskey-powered epiphany. I figured that "hey, it's getting pretty late, maybe some of my readers might have to be up bright and early tomorrow for their Saturday shifts, doing nothing important at a dead end job that doesn't matter. Maybe they're having trouble sleeping right now?"

Fear not, fellow insomniacs. Although you typically remain wide-eyed throughout the blackened void of all your nights, fueled with Monster energy and the daydreams of what your signature guitar would look like if ESP designed it, (EX model with skull inlays? You classy mother fucker!) you'll be happy to know that deep sleep is only several minutes away. Awful Metal Video presents to you: Trivium's latest single, In Waves. Unleashed upon the internets just today, it is hands down the most boring fucking video anyone could ever watch. 

Should I keep writing? Are you still awake?

Lyrics

So, not long ago I had a discussion with an acquaintance (since we’re both too metal to be friends) of mine about Cerebral Bore, and how he thinks they’re overrated. I disagreed with most of what he said, but I was able to let it slide since he was almost as supremely metal as I am, and I just chalked it up to him not having figured out I was correct yet. He made a somewhat valid argument, right up until he ruined it all for himself and immediately voided his own opinion by saying: “…not to mention the lyrics are retarded as shit.”

Really? You care about CEREBRAL BORE’s lyrics? Do you actually listen to them and comment on the lack of poetic value that the text of a brutal death metal band fronted by a 19 year old Dutch chick possesses? Without reading them, tell me what parts of this song’s lyrics you dislike so much:

Oh, that part? Hmm, maybe I should get my ears checked, because all I heard was a bunch of pigs getting thrown into a garbage disposal whenever she sings. And you know how I feel about that? I think it’s fucking awesome. I don’t know many humans that are able to pull off a sewer drain imitation decently, let alone get it spot on. The fact that she can do that is the shit. My acquaintance can’t sound like that, and yet he’s trying to dismiss her as a vocalist because her lyrics aren’t amazing? Yeah, no.

A Metal Solution To The Economic Problem

During my recent hiatus from the website, I was forced to undergo an arduous process of introspective soul-searching, a quest for my inner Metal-God if you will. My mind had become weak; clouded by false thoughts and desires. I found myself seeking out pleasures of the flesh, and even considered pretending to like Disturbed in order to get it. It was surely a miracle that prevented me from slipping into falseness and allowed me to see the disgusting creature I had become.

My pride in tatters, I resolved to do the only thing possible to gain True Metal Redemption after such a fall from grace.

I climbed to the top of a sheer cliff overlooking the ocean; I ripped off my shirt, exposing my glistening chest to the howling Antarctic winds blowing from the South, and entered into a state of deep meditation. I was not to move from that spot until I had gained enlightenment and redeemed myself in the eyes of the Gods.

Around my 112^th hour on top that cliff without food or water, I felt close to losing consciousness, my strength all but dissipated. Suddenly, with a mighty crack of thunder, I beheld the majestic figure of Thor himself. He told me that it was no accident that had brought me to the top of that cliff; it was Divine Intervention by the Gods. They had seen the growing falseness of Man and had chosen to bestow upon me one of their greatest secrets so I may share it with the human race and save you all from the most horrible fate imaginable. False Metal Damnation.

The secret that he shared with me was this: The Norse way of life, how their Godly society functioned on a day to day basis. When not slaying Ice Giants on the battlefield, the Norse Gods still needed an economic system to keep their society functioning; that exact economic system is what I was shown. After thorough examination, I have managed to deconstruct the Norse economic system and apply it to modern society in a simple 4 point school of economic thought that I call Paganomics.

What I shall now attempt to do is give you a brief run through of each of the 4 “Alters” of Paganomics and hopefully teach you how to keep your funds as KVT as possible.

My Theory is very complex

TNM Review: Black Veil Brides - Set The World On Fire. It sounds how it looks.

Brings a whole new meaning to the word "flaming", doesn't it?

So I've been advised several times not to even bother reviewing this album by many readers and personal friends alike. "You're just going to think it's shitty anyways, you're not going to surprise anyone." Shows what you know, ass clown. What if I told you I fucking loved this album? What if I told you that this was hands down the best album of 2011? What if I said to you that Black Veil Brides were bringing heavy metal music to a glorious dimension of epic majesty that I never before thought possible? You would probably figure out immediately that I was full of shit. This album is gayer than a Mustang drag race. If you don't wear striped fingerless gloves, you shouldn't be listening to this sort of music; and if you do wear striped fingerless gloves, fucking stop it.

Metallica Monopoly Game?! Who else isn't surprised?

I always figured that Rich Uncle Pennybags was Metallica's producer.

So I was cruising around Twitter earlier, to see that Blabbermouth has the scoop on the latest way for has-been Thrash titans Metallica to dig themselves a deeper and even deeper grave in the cemetery of sell-outs. Who owns this cemetary? Gene Simmons of course, but that's not the point...

"Game description: "The fast-dealing property trading game' just got faster! Monopoly Metallica Collector's Edition takes the popular board game to a whole new level. Every aspect of the game designed for the true METALLICA fan in mind. You'll 'Pass Go' through historic METALLICA events and locations around the board such as club shows, festivals, studios, childhood homes and other metal landmarks. Create your own real estate empire by adding arenas and stadiums to all your properties! Game pieces include the 'Kill 'Em All' hammer, '...And Justice For All' scales, 'St. Anger' fist, 'Black Album' snake, ninja star, and the 'Jump in the Fire' demon. Land on one of the 'Binge and Purge' or 'Jump in the Fire' spaces and be rewarded or fined in true METALLICA form. You won't believe the price you'll pay!"

METALLICA follows KISS, THE BEATLES, ELVIS PRESLEY and THE GRATEFUL DEAD, among other artists, who have their own Monopoly games."

Tim "Ripper" Owens is getting back to what he does best: Cover Bands.

Hahaha! Holy shit.

Do any of you remember Tim "Ripper" Owens? No? Not even a little bit? Come on! The guy that replaced Rob Halford for... no? The guy that replaced Matt Barlow in... really? Nothing? Winter's Bane? Yngwie Malmsteen's Rising Force? Beyond Fear? Charred Walls of the Damned? You never knew this guy did any of that stuff? You never even saw the movie Rock Star he inspired? Wow.

Well anyway, Tim Owens more or less began his journey to "stardom" when he got a lucky break in a Judas Priest cover band. Back in 1996, all the members of Judas Priest thought it would be wicked funny to bring in some nobody cover band singer to replace Rob Halford. The rest is history... until Halford came back and everybody forgot what happened anyway, so I guess not really. Since then, Owens has been the bald-headed stepchild of power metal music; performing temporary stints in this or that, here or there, never really making a solid name for himself in a band he could permanently represent as his own. Every album he did with a band, were the albums that fans around the world advised one another to disregard altogether in said band's discography. Poor Ripper... 

Finally things have come in full circle for Owens, and he's back to doing the only thing he was born to do:

That's right, Ripper is now the frontman of a Dio cover band. Referred to simply as "Dio Disciples". Wow, really? You couldn't have picked a better name than that? Maybe used a famous Dio song or album, like Dream Evil? Oh, right... Anyway, I imagine it will be truly mediocre and short-lived musical endeavor, considering Owens' past. I'm saying this even regarding that former Dio musicians Craig Goldy, Simon Wright, and Scott Warren are lending themselves to the cause. It's almost like they're trying to still be Dio without Dio. Oh Ripper, are there any beloved vocalists who's lyrics you won't mangle with your apparently universally shunned style? You cheeky devil, you. 

ANAL CUNT's Sound Setting Instructions

Amidst the news of Seth Putnam passing, a photograph of the grindcore band Anal Cunt's sound instructions has been circulating the internet. Sounds like these guys knew what they were doing:

While the part that's squared off in red is certainly the highlight of the sheet, I wouldn't pass up reading the rest of the instructions. Apparently the members of Anal Cunt were masters in the art of making sure they sounded as shitty as possible on stage. I imagine the sound setting directions are similar for every other grindcore outfit, and if not, they should be. 

Taken from Metal Injection.

Devin Townsend Project - Deconstruction. No, it's not SYL.

Didn't you know? This is fucking REVIEW WEEK. A mess of new releases have just been unleashed upon the world, fully ready and willing for my hard metal review wang to be thrust into their puckering pink buttholes. I had the awkward pleasure of just listening to Deconstruction, the latest and greatest from the Devin Townsend Project. You can put away your yoga balls and incense, boys. This one was a little different than his other modern day fare...

This fucking album cover...

Review: Protest the Hero - Scurrilous. Does it earn our Metal Merit?

First and foremost, I've been putting off reviewing Scurrilous despite listening to the album several months ago for good reason. This won't make for a very entertaining review. I'm only doing it now because this shit matters a lot to some of you, and you refuse to go elsewhere for an opinion on music. (Smart kids.) So if you're expecting a brutal thrashing, or a glowing recommendation, you'll be sorely disappointed. There wasn't a whole lot to like about Scurrilous, but there wasn't a whole lot to hate either. I'm usually a very hot or cold guy when it comes to my opinion of music, as you well know, but my opinion of this album was on the lukewarm spectrum. Let me just say these boys from Ontario are amazing artists, and whether or not you come out of Scurrilous loving or hating Protest, each one of these guys has the metal chops to earn your respect, if anything. The true metalocity of Protest the Hero is something we'll get to in a minute...

Seth Putnam Dead at 43. Grindcore sucks more now.

House M.Dead

AC vocalist, Seth Putnam died yesterday, June 11th, of an apparent heart attack. His death was confirmed today by his "publicist". (He had one?) Anyway, since the only man capable of providing some novelty to listening to the genre of grindcore has ceased to be, it's fair to say there's no reason for anyone to listen to it ever again.

Your band sucked, and I don't think you would have had it any other way, Mr. Putnam. I suppose congratulations are in order now that you were finally successful in killing yourself after all these years of substance and alcohol abuse. Especially considering that fiasco in 2004 when you purposefully OD'ed on a 2 month's supply of Ambien which left you comatose and allowed someone to cut your hair while you were a vegetable, and made it so you had to use a cane and sit in a lawn chair during your performances. Something that we like to call "failing at failing".

This reminds me of a story about how my older brother was at Motorhead show when he was younger, and was just minding his own business in the mosh pit, when out of nowhere, presumably Seth Putnam grabbed him and dropped him on his head before running off into the crowd so he wouldn't get in trouble like a bitch. My bro never seemed sore about the whole thing though, and he thought it made for a funny story. However, if you were ever kinda upset about the whole ordeal, Pat, I will tell you that Seth Putnam is fucking dead now. 

But in all seriousness, I think it's really tragic that Putnam is no longer with us, and he won't get to write any more lyrics about setting babies on fire, beating women or running over dogs on purpose. I always agreed with the fact that Chris Barnes breathe most definitely smells like cum, and it was nice to hear it from someone else for a change. Perhaps sometime in the future there will be another grindcore band that recognizes its own music for the shitty joke that it is so we can all start laughing again. Thanks for the memories. Picnic of Love was the greatest album of all time. RIP.

Cheap Pops

"SUP EVERYONE, WE'RE EMMURE!!"

"Y'ALL READY FOR SOME MOTORHEAD?!"

I don't think you'll find a dumber person than a dumb metalhead. I didn't use to feel this way, but then I started dealing with large groups of you on a daily basis. A lot of you are pretty fucking stupid. This doesn't necessarily apply to all of you, but feel free to search around my site and look at some of the comments if you don't believe how bad it is for most some of you. When retarded hits a metalhead, apparently it hits hard. It almost shocks and definitely embarrasses me that I actually listen to the same type of music as some of you evolutionary failures. I would say something like "you know who you are" but the sad part is you actually don't. That's part of your problem. You don't get it and you never will. The even sadder part is that you will comment on this page enthusiastically agreeing with me in your typical dumb ass way, thinking it doesn't apply to you. Moron...

Morbid Angel's New Album Really, Really Sucks

Are you all ready to killakilla copcop?

Now, that is a title I never expected to see, let alone be the one to write it. It’s devastating, but the truth must be known. This album blows. I mean, we all know Morbid Angel is legendary. That’s all I really need to say, because if you are unaware of Morbid Angel’s contributions to metal music, you need to get off this site pronto. Everything said here is going to fly right over your dreadlocked, facepaint-covered head. I would suggest you either look into Altars of Madness right now, or commit suicide. We don’t take kindly to falsies ‘round here.
Which is precisely why we here at That’s Not Metal have awarded Morbid Angel’s Illud Divinum Insanus the title of “Most disappointing crock of shit this decade.”
I’ll just cut right to it. The album starts off with Morbid Angel’s best impression of Dimmu
Borgir in the form of “Omni Potens.” Two and a half minutes of boring, pretentious synth in a cheesy structure more fitting of Nox Arcana than anything. They half-assedly try and remind us that we’re listening to what Trey Azagthoth and David Vincent created by throwing in a stupid sounding “ooooWAH!” over and over atop an overly echo-y snare hit. But hey, it’s just an intro right? Maybe the rest of the album won’t be as lame.

Wrong.

TOWER OF GOPAL

Is this supposed to be some kind of parody? I can't tell, because it's so much like the real thing.

This is The Best E-Mail I have ever Received

"(Accept German) I know you know this but I'm trying to be clever and just had to be sure."
Ted Nugent/Viking/Dave, you and I are square as Tienaman.

"Theodore Nugent" to Brenocide:

Hey Bro- I found your site by accident and it was love at first bite.
I am 47 and Sabbath was my first taste. All through the many long years music was a love interest and only hard hitting shit tripped my trigger.

The usual bands such as Sabbath, Deep Purple, Free and Status Quo gave me my first "hard" boner.
But many of the pioneers of true metal were yet to be discovered such as Atomic Rooster, Stone Garden, Budgie, Sir Lord Baltimore and so on...

Thin Lizzy was incredible then Judas Priest preached me a metal sermon I won't soon forget.
After hearing their words of truth only then did I "Accept" metal as my saviour from the daily grind.
(Accept German) I know you know this but I'm trying to be clever and just had to be sure.